Service is its Own Reward?

Yesterday I poked fun with a couple friends on Twitter, asking them to order me back off coffee.  After they had both given me 'the order', and I asked for a reward, another friend (and by friend I mean these are all people I know 'in real life') suggested "service is its own reward".  


While I know the exchange was in jest, I can't recall the number of times I've heard the sentiment "service is its own reward" offered - earnestly. I know this is factually true for a lot of folks, and to those for whom service truly is its own reward, I tip my metaphoric hat.


The concept of service being its own reward isn't true for me - not when I do some sincere investigation.  Let me enumerate:


I am extremely service-oriented.  I serve individuals in my Work with dual-diagnosed adults.  I serve groups in my Work teaching and training.  I have served companies in my Work as a recruiter and curriculum designer.  I serve my Family around my father's not-so-great health.  I serve my community via my Work as Bendyogagirl, and also in my mundane life (next big focus is fundraising for the Trevor Project).


I have a partner who, when he is up visiting, frequently has to remind me that he hasn't asked me to get him something to drink, he merely observed that he's thirsty.  Shit - I'm driving the car I drive, because it's interior space is the largest in its class (good for hauling gear) and can easily fit a person over 6 feet tall in the back seat (good for hauling rockstars).  Sincerely.


I wake in the morning and my first thoughts are often about service.  And you know what?  Even with my orientation, service is not its own reward for me.  Ever.  Why?  


I get something for service beyond the service itself.  Sure, service takes time, and if you, like me, serve a lot - that's most of any given day.  Did you know that giving time gives you time? For real.  If you donate your time to another person (stranger or not), your perception of how much time you have available increases.   So in one sense, I gain time from doing for others.


Insofar as I serve individuals, I get something there, too.  In my work with dual-diagnosed adults, I get to cultivate compassion, patience and also share what I know.  I get to watch people move through their Recovery and succeed (or fail).  It's a form of bearing witness.  


In my service to individuals in a D/s sense, I get to 'be a good girl', I get to help someone I Respect, I receive Dominance.  Often I get play - not always, but often.  I will observe that, in D/s relationships with a daily component, all service and no play hasn't fared well for me.  Nope - I'm way to busy to take care of someone and not be fed in other ways.  


In my service to my community, most notably through my work with NELA and the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, I get to work with amazing people making a very awesome thing happen.  I get 'street cred' with other producers.  It's good on my 'resume'.  And while there's hardly a 1:1 ratio of effort:reward, what I do receive is enough to continue to work the hours I do for the Flea.  


Nope -service most definitely isn't its own reward.  It's a reward...  and there are many other reasons I do what I do.   

Don't - Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I just love it when my words spawn juicy conversations, such as this post on Fetlife, which is the text of my last blog post.  Some of the dialogue has been about the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy many poly folks have (which can be a useful thing, of course) and how it can help folks not feel Jealousy.


I suggested somewhere in the thread that, in my opinion, avoiding jealousy may not always be a good thing, so I figure it's reasonable for me to flesh out my thoughts and feelings about this in the hopes that this will, once again, catalyze more juicy conversations :-)


I'm writing from my own perspective and about my own feelings and thoughts.  It is NOT my intent to tell you what to do or not to do....  I'm simply sharing, 'mkay?

I feel jealousy and envy at times, I do, and in specific relation to poly contexts they can show up. Know what?  Envy and Jealousy are fucking uncomfortable when I feel them.  My body gets tense, I have negative thoughts, I feel accompanying emotions of anger, frustration, fear...  belch.

I can see the logic in establishing a DADT policy in poly dynamics as a way of avoiding jealousy and envy, but does that really solve the problem?  I would suggest not, because the roots of the issues that eventually show as jealousy and envy don't go away, they just get fed differently.  

Here's a hypothetical situation where one might establish a DADT policy. Let's say I have a partner who likes to fuck 20-something hotties.  Maybe I ask my partner not to tell me abut her escapades, because it helps me to avoid feeling jealous.  Problem solved, right?

WRONG! I don't need anything to feel jealous about 20-something hotties other than my own thoughts and feelings about them. Using DADT as an avoidance mechanism doesn't really help me solve my problem. NOPE - my jealousy is my business and data that can help me wake the fuck up.

How, you ask?  Well, jealousy and envy are feelings about what other people have or achieve, right?  So if I'm jealous of 20-somethings, then what am I resisting in myself?  Where am I not noticing?  If I'm jealous that my partner is paying attention to other people, how can I maximize the quality of the time we have together? 

FWIW, I have felt envy and jealousy in mono contexts as well.  Haven't found avoidance a useful tool there, either.

From Fictionally Poly to Functionally Poly - Part 3

Well, it's been a while, eh?  Between the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, hosing my laptop, and all of the teaching I'm doing, things have been extremely busy....   


This is the final part in the three-part series on my shift from monogamy to poly in my relationships.  The first part is here, and the second is here. So where was I?  Oh yes...  mindfulness.  If you recall part one, I wrote about the concept of core pillars and how my perception that I had a core pillar around monogamy was erroneous - that what I need is security.  Add mindfulness and personal power to security and what I come up with is the fact that my experience of security in a relationship is my responsibility - not someone else's.  Clearly a person who lies to me, doesn't honor agreements and is a douchenozzle in my general direction is a person with whom I will choose not to be involved, and I'm currently in a context where I'm seeing multiple people, and it's going to be this way for the foreseeable future.


I'm not currently identifying as poly, although people frequently label me as such. Honestly, I don't currently have a sense of identity around mono/poly.  This says to me that mono/poly isn't a core pillar of mine - that it's more a mode of behavior.  I've dropped the story (fiction) about how I'm mono for a set of behaviors (function).  


I'm sure some of you are dying to know about all of the hot, juicy people with whom I'm involved.  Well, I'm not going to go into that right now.  What I will say is I have varied levels of emotional and physical intimacy with several people right now, and it's working for me.  I don't have a full time D/s relationship right now, and while I miss having Dominance in my life, it's the right thing for me.  Were a delightfully Dominant masculine entity to cross paths with me, and we were to both be interested in exploring, I'm open... there aren't any candidates at this time (at least not any of whom I'm aware).


While I don't identify as poly, I did have an interesting awareness recently.  I had a new-ish partner over for a weekend, and by chance two of my other partners (a Partner and a play partner) were around.... they all got to meet the new-ish partner.  He made a comment we need to discuss, which was, in effect, "we have an open relationship.  You can go do whatever you want with Bob and John (names changed to protect the guilty). I don't want to hear about any of it".


This gave me pause, and might actually be a deal-breaker for me.  See, Bob and John are part of my life (as are others), and what I have with them isn't only play or sex...  I have friendship, emotional intimacy, etc.  Bob and I maintain ongoing communication about all sorts of things - teaching, activism, art, producing, etc., and we are on the phone regularly having these communications.  I don't know how to erase that from my interactions with the new-ish partner, as Bob is so much a part of my life.   And frankly, I'm not sure I *want* to.  I mean, sure... I get not wanting to know the details of how we fuck, but not wanting to know about such an important relationship?


Feels disingenuous to me.


Last night I was speaking with a very close friend about the new-ish guy's request for silence, and he shared with me that parts of the poly community operate this way - that there's a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.  I have a big thing about transparency.  It's one of the ways I experience security...  So I'm in a bit of a quandary.  While I don't go into detail about the private aspects of my relationship, I *do* share that we are friends and it's pretty obvious we get along.  


Why would I not share about my friend Bob just as I would share about my friends Kat or Kyle? I might mention an insight I had in conversation or the fact that I was with someone last weekend socially, and I'm not sure how to censor myself at that level, or even if doing so is ultimately good for me. 


Clearly I need to speak with the new-ish guy to ensure I understand where his boundaries lie, and also so I can honor them, as long as doing so doesn't take me out of my own integrity. 


So yeah..  clearly I'm behaviorally poly with identity around how I relate.  So far, so good.  I might end up mono again - probably not, but it's possible. Why probably not?  


I'm not willing to let go of some of the folks in my life for anyone else.