I'm Sorry

If you're just joining me here, you will be well-served to know that I am a masochist and a submissive (among many other traits, of course).  As a masochist, I not only enjoy pain I receive from people with whom I share SM connections, I feel sexual gratification from it.  As a submissive, I tend to open up and surrender to Dominant intent if it's coming from someone towards whom I feel trust, respect and attraction.   When the two combine - when I can interact with a Sadistic Dominant and both receive pain and surrender to dominant intent?


Magic.


In those magic moments, when I'm working with someone intentionally (on both sides), it becomes very important to me to not only be pleasing but to complete the task at hand whatever it takes.  And by whatever it takes, I mean that I will frequently go beyond my comfort zone physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Not in the 'oh sure, you can cut off my fingers with a bandsaw' kind of way, but more in the 'this is getting very challenging, and with anyone else I would stop it, but since it's (almost always a) him, I'm going to stay with what's going on' kind of way.


I speak with a lot of folks who serve and surrender who share the same kind of mindset in those (and other) situations.  The purpose of this post isn't to go into all of the ways folks like me push our boundaries....  The purpose of this post is to enumerate some of the shame that comes up for me in those moments.


Yes....  Shame.


I am long past the stories of me being wrong for my orientation.  Sure, every once in a while I'll get a little dissonant around thoughts like "my pussy hurts so much right now from the massive fist pounding it, and here comes another orgasm"...  But I don't feel shame in those moments.


I feel shame when I realize that my capacity to do what is asked of me in a moment isn't as large as the container in which it needs to occur...  


I feel shame when I have to say 'stop' or 'change what you're doing', because it's just too flipping much in the moment.  Yup, in those moments I feel like I'm wrong and I often start repeating the words "I'm Sorry"


Such a moment occurred with me recently, while pinned down on  my belly and having a massive cock in me.  I could hear and feel his enjoyment and satisfaction - in part because I was in such distress.  That's part of what a sexual sadist enjoys, right?  


It just hurt so much, you know?  And I started repeating over and over again "I'm sorry".  I recall is him pulling out and turning me over on my back, straddling my hips.  I was sobbing with the awareness that I just couldn't take it any more and I felt so wrong, you know?  


He held me and told me to look at him - holding me in his gaze.  


Then he told me to be with him - motherfucker is clearly brilliant


And he said (paraphrased) "No I'm sorry".


I agreed, and we continued the massive pounding with me crying only from the pain until the blood-curdling screams of our shared climax.


Later in the course of events with this person, there was another correction around me saying "I'm sorry"...  I think it was because I was suffocating on his cock or something.


And you know what?  I had an awareness that just about every time I say 'I'm sorry' in a context that isn't a specific apology - it comes from shame.


Somewhere in my make-up, there's a story that it's not always OK for me to ask to have a need met... that I somehow have to apologize for myself. And you know what sucks donkey dick?  I've been working on this for years, people. 


I mentioned casually that the whole I'm Sorry thing is a training opportunity, and you know what this guy said?  He said "whenever you say I'm sorry, I'm going to be nice to you"


Well shit.


In reflecting on that moment, I'm realizing some things that warrant a great deal of consideration.

1. There are Tops (for whatever definition of top) who see training in ways that aren't just punishing the bottom for doing or not doing something.   Seriously people.  This has been a major limitation in all of my D/s relationships for my entire adult life.  It goes against every cell in my body when it comes to teaching (and training is a form of teaching) to hurt someone (spanking, isolation, etc) because they do something wrong. 
2. I am sitting with the realization that I have some more and very real work to do around the parts of me that don't feel worthy - and that I have a linguistic signal when those aspects are expressing - I apologize
3. I can now communicate better with Dominant partners in the future around this aspect of my self - and the signals - so that s/he can know where it's coming from and honor that....  This means one less land mine.

I don't personally subscribe to the notion that BDSM is therapy.  That's what therapy is for.  I do subscribe to the notion that any and all activities and interactions have the potential to be therapeutic when engaged mindfully, with awareness, clarity of intent and a willingness to learn.

What a lucky lady I am to have had that moment.

On Paying Presenters

Thanks to the amazing Mollena Williams, and the incredible Andrea Zanin, I've had some very good reading this week around presenting, being paid to present, and some event revenue models.  If you haven't read their posts, and you are a producer and/or presenter in sex positive contexts, (or considering becoming one) please do so. There's also some interesting dialogue here, if you're on Fetlife. Topologists' words are actually what has catalyzed me writing about this, because his observation that the cost of kink events would have to be exponentially higher in order to pay presenters is, in my opinion, spot on.  


This post is probably going to be a little long - I'll be writing about presenting and producing...


I'm coming to this conversation as a presenter who gets compensated to present.  I consider being reimbursed for travel costs, hotel nights, food, and event fees (and often with a 2nd ticket) compensation.  I often teach 4 or more workshops at events, and I'm booked for 7 major events between now and the end of September:  Shibaricon, DOFusion, TESFest, Floating World, Paradise Unbound, COPE, and Rope Camp.  I'm on the National Circuit now - presenting at an average of 2 events per month, and there is no way in h e double hockey sticks I could afford to attend so many events if I had to pay out of pocket.  


Aside from seeing friends and meeting new folks at events, I have opportunity to do work for NELA, as I am now the Director of Programming and am responsible for the classes/presenters we will have at the 2013 Fetish Fair Fleamarket - and also ongoing classes...  Part of what events do for me is give me an opportunity to attend classes by presenters we might like to have a the Flea - vetting is a good thing.


So I'm a presenter and a producer - and as a producer my primary role is in hiring presenters...  Circular yes - also gives me a point of view similar to Andrea's, although I wouldn't say we are in total agreement.


As a presenter I'm satisfied if I can do something as close to cost neutral as possible.  Not everyone comps travel (if I'm driving, for example), and since I have to eat no matter where I am, I consider help with food a bonus.


I teach because it's my dharma.  I would be lying if I claimed there isn't an egoic aspect of this - it's nice to be recognized.  Like Mollena, I have a long history with performance and being on stage - so yeah, Zanin's observations bout fame are relevant in my case.  The intent I hold with whatever notoriety I have is "do no harm".  


Before I get all transparent on your asses about the Flea, let me get transparent on your asses about the strategy I've been using as a presenter.   


A little background:  I was somewhat active in my local scene here in Boston for years in the D/s community, most notably through MAsT Mass, which is a pansexual MAsT chapter I co-founded with a Dominant to whom I was in service something like 5 years ago now - maybe 6.  When we separated and I started to hang out with Percival, my experience of 'the scene' expanded to events.  Lots of events.  Fun events with what I thought was a missing piece - I didn't see myself represented, nor did I have the experience of classes being relevant to me enough.  Obviously this is my opinion - I'm not laying claim to any truth, mkay?


So I told Percy "I want to teach in kinky contexts", and he being the well-connected fellow that he is...  he helped me to get in the door of a few events.  I think the first kinky context class I taught was a yoga class at Bound in Boston three-ish years ago.  Even with the 'in' of Percy, I have had to prove myself as a presenter.  I mean, if I sucked at teaching, nobody would bring me in, right?


Lucky for me, teaching is something I'm good at.  There isn't arrogance in that statement - it's accurate.  There are a lot of things i'm not good at, such as playing pool or marketing, but teaching?  That I can do.  


I've always treated going to events, presenting at events, and working with event producers as work. I bring my most professional game possible - work to the best of my abilities within the frameworks of each event's process.  I say please and thank you. I show my face in the dungeon. I walk around the event space at somewhat regular intervals so I can be available if attendees want to chat.  I accept that my private lives with some of my teaching colleagues aren't going to be so private at events. 


For each new, 90 minute class I write, there can be upwards of 40 hours of work just on the class, not to mention the background knowledge I have that goes into it.  To give you an example: I've been meditating and practicing Yoga in some form for over 20 years, so there's all of that experience.  My teaching certification cost approximately $10,000 and took 3 months, so there's that behind what I do.  I've been in ongoing mentorships and continuing education around just the yoga (not to mention all of the other stuff) for a solid 10 years.  So there are thousands of hours and tens of thousands of dollars behind even a simple yoga class that I teach.  And most of the time I'm at events, I'm not getting an honoraria to do so.

I never planned on making presenting part of my livelihood, but as the years have passed, it's become increasingly necessary for me to make at least some income from my activities as Bendyogagirl.  Else, I need to dial back a bit, do fewer events, etc...  

So what am I doing to make money as Bendy?  Well, i'm not expecting event producers to take care of that for me.  At some point it is going to make logical sense for me to ask for honoraria to present, but I honestly don't think I'm there.  Yet.  I'm probably in the 2nd tier of presenters - not as big a draw as Lee Harrington, Claire Adams, or Midori, but known outside of my market (geographically speaking).


What I'm doing is working on product-izing that which is unique to me:  my knowledge.  This is happening slower than I'd prefer...  and it is happening.  I'm writing a Yoga for Kinksters Workbook as a pre-amble to the YFK Book.  I am working on audio instruction for it..  I have two other writing projects based on classes I teach in the works, etc...


If attendees at events want to purchase my wares, awesome.  If not?  Awesome.  Takes the responsibility for money out of the hands of the producers and into the hands of my market.   I could also do intensives and weekend-long events, like my colleagues Lee and Midori. I have one scheduled for July up in Burlington VT, and am working on scheduling another one in NJ for later in the summer, and I am getting paid for these events.  I'm playing to my strengths, and I suggest you consider the same.


Now, to get all transparent on you about the Flea.  I should first say that I don't have the authority to speak for the Board, for NELA or for the Fetish Fair Fleamarket.  I do have the authority to speak to my little corner of the universe for the last few years, and that's programming.  One of the mandates Percy made when he came on board at NELA (He was Director of Programming before me) was that the Flea would be a World Class Event from an education perspective, and we (and the many other volunteers who make it happen) have done that.


By Andrea's definition, the Flea would be a hybrid event.  From an organizing perspective, we are 100% volunteer-driven. The Board of Directors is managed via volunteering.  We have literally hundreds of folks who come on for the weekend to help.  In exchange, we offer a complimentary entrance to the Flea for X number of hours (I think 4), and then when people volunteer beyond that, there are more perks, from T-shirts, to a party.  


The last couple of years I volunteered for the Flea and wasn't yet on the board, I worked at a high enough level (hours wise) to 'earn' a room for the weekend.  I think my time was somewhere in the 300 hours pre-con throughout the year, and then I arrive on site on Thursday evening and stay through till Monday morning, working, teaching, and volunteering.  


From what I've been told, NELA is considered 'one of the good guys' when it comes to presenting.  With a $12,000 programming budget and room nights at $168 each (that's per night, not total), it is simply not possible to pay honoraria (cash) to each and every presenter, and I'm OK with that.  Here's why:


Beyond the number of classes a person teaches, there are other considerations that play.  Considerations like:

• Will this person put butts in seats? -- is the name recognition there, so that it will encourage people to buy tickets?
• Can the presenter fill one of the big rooms?  The main rooms in our event can seat 300+ people - by fill I'm not talking about bodies - I'm talking about 'can the presenter teach effectively in such a large space?'
• What does this person have to offer that's unique?  Hate to say it, but there are a gagillian people who can teach single column ties, but not all that many who can speak specifically  to a Third Gender as it relates to Transfolk.
• Are they willing to share a hotel room?  This alone can free up hundreds of dollars we can put somewhere else - like in bringing in other presenters.
• Is the presenter aware of and OK with the fact that we are a gateway event -  over 1/2 of attendees who respond to our feedback forms are at their first event?  Can they teach beginners?
• Can we offer other stuff to the presenter beyond $$, such as the ability to bring and sell books, DVDs, etc..  to the event and not have to pay a vending fee?
• How much are travel costs?   When someone from the midwest teaches at the Flea, airfare can be over $500..  add to that $400 in hotel nights, and that's almost 10% of the budget - for one presenter - before any honoraria. You bet your ass we are going to have that person teach a bunch of classes... and we are going to be brining them in because they will get butts in seats.
• Do we need to add extra room nights, because someone is flying from a distance? 

We strive to maintain at least a 1/2 room night per class compensation model, and we are mostly able to do that.  If we are far along in the process, and folks come on board in later minutes, I might not have budget left to offer money or room nights. I will always strive to do something else in stead, such as offering more comps, etc..

A word on comps - my perspective is COMP COMP COMP.  It costs us nothing as an event to comp, and it creates good juju with presenters.  And if a presenter is poly and bringing more than one partner?  We will comp all partners.  Why the hell not?  We are confident that the money folks save on comps can be used to buy stuff from vendors and other presenters, and  this is good, indeed.

As I don't have permission from past Flea presenters to disclose individual agreements, I will leave those out of this post.  Just know that our intent is to be as fair and balanced as we can, given the constraints of the budget, and what that can mean is that folks are not compensated at the same rates.  This creates tiers.

Some thoughts on tiers and presenters.  I strongly disagree with any notion that there are different classes of presenters - that somehow one person should be treated better than another, simply because s/he is some international star.  That said, I do believe there are different levels at which a person may be as a presenter.

Newer presenters lack some of the teaching skills that folks who have been doing it longer have (in general).  More seasoned presenters will have a greater understanding of the pre-production process and, quite frankly, often make my job easier (in general).  An up-and coming voice will benefit from being on the same bill as a Midori or a Laura Antoniou (always).  Even someone who has been teaching a long time might not be a fit for our event.  One of the wonderful things about this world is that there are plenty of events. 

If you are a person who is presenting and feel as though you are being treated 'less' than because you teach the same number of classes as someone else and don't get the same compensation, take a look at what that person is doing - how they are behaving?  Is that person working to build their own brand?  Are they blogging?  Do they volunteer time for events and organizations?  Are they writing books?  Are they featured on Kink Academy? Are they from far away, and you are local? Are you whining and complaining because you aren't as popular as someone else?  Do you think that happens in a vacuum? Have you bothered to ask producers for what you want?  Are you ready to walk away if you don't have your needs met?  

I will tell you all flat out, that I watch 'the big names' - and I have used the opportunities I've been given by being one of the 'bottom tier' names at events in the past to gleam from, learn from, and notice how folks who are farther down the path than I act and behave.  There are volumes to learn.

I'm sure there are producers who hold the intent of getting everything they can from their presenters for as little as possible, but the vast majority of folks with whom I interact aren't like that.  They are kind-hearted, well-indended people doing the best they can with what they have. 

Last year, I wrote a series of blog posts on What I've Learned from Raves, Collectives and Burning Man...  They have relevance here, so I'm including a link.

Thanks for reading!

Bendy

Service is its Own Reward?

Yesterday I poked fun with a couple friends on Twitter, asking them to order me back off coffee.  After they had both given me 'the order', and I asked for a reward, another friend (and by friend I mean these are all people I know 'in real life') suggested "service is its own reward".  


While I know the exchange was in jest, I can't recall the number of times I've heard the sentiment "service is its own reward" offered - earnestly. I know this is factually true for a lot of folks, and to those for whom service truly is its own reward, I tip my metaphoric hat.


The concept of service being its own reward isn't true for me - not when I do some sincere investigation.  Let me enumerate:


I am extremely service-oriented.  I serve individuals in my Work with dual-diagnosed adults.  I serve groups in my Work teaching and training.  I have served companies in my Work as a recruiter and curriculum designer.  I serve my Family around my father's not-so-great health.  I serve my community via my Work as Bendyogagirl, and also in my mundane life (next big focus is fundraising for the Trevor Project).


I have a partner who, when he is up visiting, frequently has to remind me that he hasn't asked me to get him something to drink, he merely observed that he's thirsty.  Shit - I'm driving the car I drive, because it's interior space is the largest in its class (good for hauling gear) and can easily fit a person over 6 feet tall in the back seat (good for hauling rockstars).  Sincerely.


I wake in the morning and my first thoughts are often about service.  And you know what?  Even with my orientation, service is not its own reward for me.  Ever.  Why?  


I get something for service beyond the service itself.  Sure, service takes time, and if you, like me, serve a lot - that's most of any given day.  Did you know that giving time gives you time? For real.  If you donate your time to another person (stranger or not), your perception of how much time you have available increases.   So in one sense, I gain time from doing for others.


Insofar as I serve individuals, I get something there, too.  In my work with dual-diagnosed adults, I get to cultivate compassion, patience and also share what I know.  I get to watch people move through their Recovery and succeed (or fail).  It's a form of bearing witness.  


In my service to individuals in a D/s sense, I get to 'be a good girl', I get to help someone I Respect, I receive Dominance.  Often I get play - not always, but often.  I will observe that, in D/s relationships with a daily component, all service and no play hasn't fared well for me.  Nope - I'm way to busy to take care of someone and not be fed in other ways.  


In my service to my community, most notably through my work with NELA and the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, I get to work with amazing people making a very awesome thing happen.  I get 'street cred' with other producers.  It's good on my 'resume'.  And while there's hardly a 1:1 ratio of effort:reward, what I do receive is enough to continue to work the hours I do for the Flea.  


Nope -service most definitely isn't its own reward.  It's a reward...  and there are many other reasons I do what I do.   

Don't - Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I just love it when my words spawn juicy conversations, such as this post on Fetlife, which is the text of my last blog post.  Some of the dialogue has been about the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy many poly folks have (which can be a useful thing, of course) and how it can help folks not feel Jealousy.


I suggested somewhere in the thread that, in my opinion, avoiding jealousy may not always be a good thing, so I figure it's reasonable for me to flesh out my thoughts and feelings about this in the hopes that this will, once again, catalyze more juicy conversations :-)


I'm writing from my own perspective and about my own feelings and thoughts.  It is NOT my intent to tell you what to do or not to do....  I'm simply sharing, 'mkay?

I feel jealousy and envy at times, I do, and in specific relation to poly contexts they can show up. Know what?  Envy and Jealousy are fucking uncomfortable when I feel them.  My body gets tense, I have negative thoughts, I feel accompanying emotions of anger, frustration, fear...  belch.

I can see the logic in establishing a DADT policy in poly dynamics as a way of avoiding jealousy and envy, but does that really solve the problem?  I would suggest not, because the roots of the issues that eventually show as jealousy and envy don't go away, they just get fed differently.  

Here's a hypothetical situation where one might establish a DADT policy. Let's say I have a partner who likes to fuck 20-something hotties.  Maybe I ask my partner not to tell me abut her escapades, because it helps me to avoid feeling jealous.  Problem solved, right?

WRONG! I don't need anything to feel jealous about 20-something hotties other than my own thoughts and feelings about them. Using DADT as an avoidance mechanism doesn't really help me solve my problem. NOPE - my jealousy is my business and data that can help me wake the fuck up.

How, you ask?  Well, jealousy and envy are feelings about what other people have or achieve, right?  So if I'm jealous of 20-somethings, then what am I resisting in myself?  Where am I not noticing?  If I'm jealous that my partner is paying attention to other people, how can I maximize the quality of the time we have together? 

FWIW, I have felt envy and jealousy in mono contexts as well.  Haven't found avoidance a useful tool there, either.

From Fictionally Poly to Functionally Poly - Part 3

Well, it's been a while, eh?  Between the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, hosing my laptop, and all of the teaching I'm doing, things have been extremely busy....   


This is the final part in the three-part series on my shift from monogamy to poly in my relationships.  The first part is here, and the second is here. So where was I?  Oh yes...  mindfulness.  If you recall part one, I wrote about the concept of core pillars and how my perception that I had a core pillar around monogamy was erroneous - that what I need is security.  Add mindfulness and personal power to security and what I come up with is the fact that my experience of security in a relationship is my responsibility - not someone else's.  Clearly a person who lies to me, doesn't honor agreements and is a douchenozzle in my general direction is a person with whom I will choose not to be involved, and I'm currently in a context where I'm seeing multiple people, and it's going to be this way for the foreseeable future.


I'm not currently identifying as poly, although people frequently label me as such. Honestly, I don't currently have a sense of identity around mono/poly.  This says to me that mono/poly isn't a core pillar of mine - that it's more a mode of behavior.  I've dropped the story (fiction) about how I'm mono for a set of behaviors (function).  


I'm sure some of you are dying to know about all of the hot, juicy people with whom I'm involved.  Well, I'm not going to go into that right now.  What I will say is I have varied levels of emotional and physical intimacy with several people right now, and it's working for me.  I don't have a full time D/s relationship right now, and while I miss having Dominance in my life, it's the right thing for me.  Were a delightfully Dominant masculine entity to cross paths with me, and we were to both be interested in exploring, I'm open... there aren't any candidates at this time (at least not any of whom I'm aware).


While I don't identify as poly, I did have an interesting awareness recently.  I had a new-ish partner over for a weekend, and by chance two of my other partners (a Partner and a play partner) were around.... they all got to meet the new-ish partner.  He made a comment we need to discuss, which was, in effect, "we have an open relationship.  You can go do whatever you want with Bob and John (names changed to protect the guilty). I don't want to hear about any of it".


This gave me pause, and might actually be a deal-breaker for me.  See, Bob and John are part of my life (as are others), and what I have with them isn't only play or sex...  I have friendship, emotional intimacy, etc.  Bob and I maintain ongoing communication about all sorts of things - teaching, activism, art, producing, etc., and we are on the phone regularly having these communications.  I don't know how to erase that from my interactions with the new-ish partner, as Bob is so much a part of my life.   And frankly, I'm not sure I *want* to.  I mean, sure... I get not wanting to know the details of how we fuck, but not wanting to know about such an important relationship?


Feels disingenuous to me.


Last night I was speaking with a very close friend about the new-ish guy's request for silence, and he shared with me that parts of the poly community operate this way - that there's a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.  I have a big thing about transparency.  It's one of the ways I experience security...  So I'm in a bit of a quandary.  While I don't go into detail about the private aspects of my relationship, I *do* share that we are friends and it's pretty obvious we get along.  


Why would I not share about my friend Bob just as I would share about my friends Kat or Kyle? I might mention an insight I had in conversation or the fact that I was with someone last weekend socially, and I'm not sure how to censor myself at that level, or even if doing so is ultimately good for me. 


Clearly I need to speak with the new-ish guy to ensure I understand where his boundaries lie, and also so I can honor them, as long as doing so doesn't take me out of my own integrity. 


So yeah..  clearly I'm behaviorally poly with identity around how I relate.  So far, so good.  I might end up mono again - probably not, but it's possible. Why probably not?  


I'm not willing to let go of some of the folks in my life for anyone else.   

From Fictionally Poly to Functionally Poly - Part 2

This is part II of a several-part series on my shift from Mono- to Poly.  Here is Part I


Right, so where was I?  Oh yes - cognitive dissonance and the revision of narrative. Perhaps it's my masochism...  Maybe it's the commitment I've held for 25+ years to awaken spiritually... I'm not sure, but for whatever reason, when I found/find myself in those moments of uncertainty around poly, I've held to the practice of staying there until the landscape makes more sense.  

Put another way:  If the only tool you have is a hammer, every  problem starts to look like a nail.  So in the narrative landscape of 'I am monogamous', there are certain responses I have had to certain states that either don't make sense in a poly dynamic or are simply not relevant.



For example - I've historically been known to date more than one person at a time, but I commit to one and only one.  The feelings and drives to create meaningful Relationship with someone have always been the harbinger of a shift from 'dating around' to 'settling down'. Yes - I was an old-school girl.  This meant no other play or sexual partners, no other D/s dynamics - total and complete immersion.


When I made the shift with P, the old narratives couldn't be played out in the same way.  I felt and still often feel like I'm on a different planet with no map...   moving blind.

What I am attempting to communicate is that the feelings I have as a result of some sort of stimulus (possible new play partner, time share, bed sharing) are right and correct unto themselves, but if I try to resolve them in the old paradigm (monogamy), it doesn't work.

To wit:  New People.  In a mono reality, my feelings that arise when there is a possible new person can range from anger to fear, jealousy to confusion.  In mono, the resolution is simple -- there is a boundary in the relationship around immersion, so the negotiation about a 'new friend' has (historically) had less to do with things like sex, romantic time, etc.. and more to do with practical stuff, like calendar availability.  There wasn't a need to talk about making out, because in a mono reality, the making out was for me and my Person.

In poly, this is not such the case.  The feelings might be the same - but the resolution is not.  Thankfully I have a lot of tools for communication, self-awareness and listening.  Otherwise, this might have been impossible for P and me to weather, but we did good.


One of the strategies I've been using in the new landscape reality is Mindfulness.  Mindfulness is simply the act of paying attention to something without judgment.  Simply observing.  I've used this in mono contexts, and what I've found is that using mindfulness as a way to negotiate an unknown landscape is not only amazing - it is empowering.


Here's how it might go for me:

A person I'm in Relationship with says or does something with someone else, and I have a response that is uncomfortable - thoughts and feelings of upset, jealousy, worry etc....

1. PAUSE - yes, you read it.  Stop.  Stop the thinking, stop the feeling, stop the urge to retaliate and create an argument.  Simply Pause.  This in and of itself can be a daunting task, particularly when the feelings are bigger than I am, but it is possible with practice
2. OBSERVE - and I'm not talking about observing the other person or people.  I'm talking about reflecting on Self.  What are the thoughts?  Writing can be helpful in getting things out of one's head and onto paper.  What are the feelings?  Not just in an emotional sense, but rather -where are they physically?  Where in the BODY?  is it tight, vibrating, in the chest, stomach, shoulder?  Can I feel its shape, color, density?
3. WITHHOLD JUDGMENT - a thing such as a though or feeling isn't right or wrong, good or bad, it simply is.  So from the observation, what is it that I'm thinking or feeling?
4. DO THE WORK - That's right, folks.  How I feel (and you for that matter) and think is up to me - not up to someone I'm Relating to, or the person who serves my tea.  If the feelings and thoughts aren't serving me, then I simply change the feelings and thoughts.  This takes work and will require a separate blog post to explain, so stay tuned....
5. SPEAK FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE - Once I have a handle on the thoughts and feelings and can speak about them without spiraling into an emotional landslide, I will say things like "I felt afraid when you were talking about X" or "I'm noticing that I am having recurring thoughts about the possibility of you leaving me for him" or something like that.
6. ASK TO HAVE NEEDS MET - rather than wants and desires.   For example, from the first part of this post, you know that I have a core need around the experience of security.  I might prefer to have someone in my bed that night, but if that preference isn't feeding the need, then I speak to the need.  

One more example about this idea of mindfulness and need and I'll let you go.  Recently, I co-produced the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, and we had over 3000 attend the event, which ran from Friday-Sunday.  This is the third time I've produced the event, so I knew going in that I would be trashed on Sunday.  Exhausted, over stimulated, fatigued, and wanting connection. I reached out to a Friend (relationship is undefined - it's intimate, involves play, etc..).  This person agreed to stay with me on Sunday.

Later, she talked about making a date on Sunday night, and I had a response which was something like "woah, there buddy.  You're MINE on Sunday"...   not wanting to talk about it in that moment, I put it aside and went through the above process.

I was later able to tell her that the request for her to stay with me on Sunday was coming from a place of need.  That I would be needing focus time, and that I wasn't sure I would be emotionally 'big' enough to hold space for her having a date the same night.

I said 'I NEED focus time with someone. I prefer it to be with you, but if you can't show up for it, then I'll ask someone else'.  

The conversation continued, and we came up with a plan...  I would have someone else to be with me that night, she could come and go as she pleases (with a key to my room), and thus be off the hook for showing up for me, while still able to spend time as she liked.

Now, while the above exchange wasn't specifically around poly stuff, in a way it was.  I have a Relationship with one person, I asked for something, she thought she was giving it to me, but when we looked deeper, there was another, more pressing need which had to be met for me.

I could have made her wrong for making another date - called her names, proclaimed her to be insensitive.  I could have, and honestly, in those first moments when she told me about the other date, I *did* have some of those thoughts and feelings.

But that's about her - and not about me, and my Power comes, in part, from my ability to understand my self, to advocate for my self, and to communicate my understanding and advocacy to the people I'm around.
 

Stay tuned for Part III - Functional Poly

From Fictionally Poly to Functionally Poly - Part 1

This is the first part in what will be a several-part series on my personal shift from monogamy to polyamory.  I'm writing, because it would have helped me to read about this kind of shift a few years ago, when my journey towards multiple Partners started....  Hopefully you will get some good stuff out of this too, gentle reader.

Sometimes great gems come from technology. Yesterday was such a time. I tweeted the following: My phone autocorrected 'functionally poly' to 'fictionally poly'... Big difference.

This started a little back and forth between me and my friend, @riggerjay, wherein he suggested that there isn't that big a difference. Three  years ago I would have agreed. Today? not so much.

In an effort to keep a modicum of privacy for P and also for the other folks with whom we've interacted, I'm going to keep individuals other than P out of this and write more about my experience.  I hope this not only makes sense to you, gentle reader, but that it also helps to keep the scope of these posts reasonable.

Then:

When I first started to date P, he had a major concern about our success (or potential lack thereof), based on the fact that he identifies as poly, and I had been monogamous my entire life.  It being a very reasonable concern, I took a step or twelve back and assessed my mono-identity.  My investigation was based on the concept of Core Pillars, that Midori brings forward in at least one of her classes:  Erotic Humiliation (which, by the way, she is teaching at the Fetish Flea this weekend). 

As I understand Midori's take on Core Pillars, and please know that this is my interpretation of her words, a person's psyche/identity/ego is much like a house on stilts.  There are stilts (pillars) that you can fuck around with - even take away, and the house will stand.  Fuck with a core pillar, however, and you threaten the entire structure....  in other words, if you take away someone's core pillar, they might be in psychological risk.


Now:
I'm aware of several core pillars of my own:

• Sharing what I know - this currently manifests most strongly in my teaching
• Integrity - as in...  honoring my codes of ethics
• My Intelligence - I believe I'm intelligent - if you call me stupid and mean it or behave in a way that communicates to me you think I'm incapable, it's challenging for me to continue to hear what you're saying
• Being Cherished (in contrast to being humiliated)
• Function - over form, that is.  I don't date or befriend based on what a person looks like or their orientation, I befriend based on the 'who' of someone - how they are
• and more...

One of my prevailing beliefs is that ego itself isn't fixed or even 'real', that it's a story we make up about ourselves.  The story of "I" - I am female.  I am submissive.  I am competent.  I am honest. Stories "I" tell my self about myself.  You have stories, too, by the way.   In case you thought you were exempt from such things ;-)




Then:
Since paradigm shifts have always a real turn-on for me, I figured I'd check out the Monogamy story.   After some sincere soul-searching, I got to the core of the narrative for me that monogamy = security.  

Well, these are hardly synonyms, are they?  Monogamy means having one Partner.  To me, security meant (and means) having the experience of being in a safe, solid, and caring context.   Yes - I held (and hold) the belief of being responsible for my own feelings, but in the context of a relationship - as in, being in process with one or more people, I saw (and see) security as something that is co-created. 

Security as a co-creative process most certainly does NOT require monogamy.  In fact, I had had several monogamous Relationships in which I felt anything BUT secure.  

I went back to P with this awareness, and we added play to an existing 3-year friendship.  In time, P and I became Partners in the highest senses of the term: romantic partners, producing partners, D/s partners, day-to-day-partners...   Clearly we were able to bridge the mono/poly gap.   Since 2009, when P and I broadened our context, I've built lines with a few other people, some of whom I have friendships which include play, one of whom I have a Relationship which is undefined, etc...
 

Now:
I have a core pillar of security.  When I work in Relationships - I'm working towards feeling secure.    That's the truth for me.  For now.

It literally makes me laugh when I'm touted as some expert on polyamory.  I'm clearly still a newb in the context.  What I do seem to have is a solid base, which has breath and depth, in communication, negotiation, and self-realization, and in this I'm hardly unique.  There are many of us who work to wake up, understand each other and ensure that the needs of those we love are met and cultivated.


One of the most consistent experiences I've had over the last couplea-few years goes something like this:

1. Something happens around Relationship/s
2. I have an emotional response to the event
3. The emotional response is something I know very well
4. I am unable to continue an old narrative, because I'm in a new context
5. This creates cognitive dissonance, through which I am consensually forced to re-write my own story...  to find a new path..  to create new meaning

Think back to the core pillar concept.  If I had been holding on to the I am monogamous story as part of my core identity - as that which makes me who I am...   challenging the story could (not necessarily would, but could) create enough dissonance that I might not be able to weather the storm and stay healthy mentally.

Stay tuned for Part II