Integrity and Loyalty

Greetings, gentle readers.

Long time no write, eh?  It's been a few months, and while part of me thinks I should apologize for the space, the truth of the matter is I've been taking care of me, and that's taken precedence over sharing thoughts in public forums.  With the main areas of my (or anyone's) life moving towards much greater stability (income, awesome roommate, etc), I actually have some bandwidth to contemplate...

And you know what happens when I contemplate - I write.

I frequently teach about negotiation, and one of the concepts I use in those classes I borrowed from Midori.  That concept is of "core pillars". Midori teaches this a bit differently than I, and she deserves author credit for gifting me and her many students with the idea that can be oversimplifed thusly:

Your ego/identity is like a house on pillars.  Some of those pillars are required for the house to stand - they correlate to load-bearing walls.  Some of those pillars aren't required for the house to stand.  If you and/or your partner/s wish to challenge pillars, it's safest to do so with the ones that aren't load-bearing.

Structures that are integral to the integrity of your 'house' are core to the who of you.  They can be aspects such as identities around ethnicity, religion, intelligence, gender, etc., and what's integral for one person may or may not be integral for another.

Our core pillars are not only important, they are our strengths and are positive. Some people have core pillars around inclusion and activism, while others have core pillars around honesty and their sense of intelligence. 

I was thinking recently how my actions are frequently influenced...  no - determined by my core pillars, and there's one in particular that affects my

behavior.  That core pillar is one I call integrity.  Integrity as I understand and live it has two meanings.  One meaning is simple:  adherence to moral and

ethical principals.  Another meaning has to do with congruency:  that I'm walking my talk - it has to do with my Word.   Am I perfect in this?  Good gods, no.  I'm dishonest on occasion.  I sometimes slip deadlines. 

That said, if something is going to keep me up at night, it's most likely to be an awareness that I was out of integrity with someone or some thing. As an example:  I just went out to a retail store to get some household items.  I put a packet of AAA batteries in the upper section of the cart I was using, and neglected to put it on the checkout stand to be charged.  I didn't realize this until I was at my car, loading in the other items.

Free Batteries! you might say.  I mean, it's not like I *meant* to steel them, right?  Nobody saw me leave the store with them.  It's just one little packet of things..  no big deal.   

I could have taken the batteries easily.  The thing is, I know it would bother me to have done so, because, to be in integrity with the retail store, I need to pay for the items I remove from it. (a side note - I tried shoplifting once and thank gods I was caught).

I went back into the store with my receipt and paid.

Integrity.

One way this shows up for me most often is via my Word, as in - if I give you my Word, I will do what I can to honor it.  Again - I am in no way perfect at this, and, if I promise someone I will or won't do something, then that's what it is. 

Seems like a great way to live, right?  It is, until the core pillar of integrity comes up against an equally laudable and yet potentially conflicting pillar.  Loyalty is one that I but up against sometimes.

Loyalty has to do with allegiance to something or someone, and can also map to a group or a cause.  One who is loyal will do or not do something based on his/her perception of what would keep him/her in alignment with that something or someone towards whom they are loyal.  This is not the same as integrity, as the Word of the loyal is secondary to the Will of that to which s/he shows allegiance. 

I am and can be loyal, yes, and loyalty is not a core pillar of mine.  Some people who know me say I'm loyal, because I have relationships that span decades (longest running friendships are both entering their 41st year this year), but I don't see that as loyalty. I see that as commitment - and that has to do with my Word.

I've been around people for whom loyalty is core, and they will and have broken their Word to me due to the prevailing drive to remain loyal to someone or some thing.  

In the past, I've found this kind of behavior extremely challenging to be around, as I perceived that I couldn't trust folks for whom loyalty is more important than integrity (and of course there are myriad other core pillars - I'm just writing about these two for now).

What I came to realize is that expecting someone for whom loyalty is so much more important than integrity to act in accordance with my world view isn't compassionate, nor does it create the space for me to meet them where they are.

You'll know loyalty is important to someone when they use words like 'I know where my loyalty lies', 'honor' and 'duty'.  You'll know that integrity is important to someone when they use words like 'I have to do that thing, because I gave my Word' and 'I made a promise'.

I think there's an internal/external variable at play here.  Integrity has to do with ones self, whereas loyalty has to do with an other.  

I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this.

7 Simple Ways To Fuck Up Your Relationships

Good afternoon, Gentle Readers...

I often write and teach about things we can do to have an experience of more fulfillment and greater peace in our relationships.   Well, last night I asked myself "what about fucking them up?" Seeing as I, myself, have taken all of the actions at one point or another and learned from them, I figure this might be helpful for you or someone you know.

Here they are - 7 mistakes I've made that you probably have made as well, which will fuck things up....  

1. Be Controlling : Control in this context has to do with (not)taking actions in an effort to steer the ship and the behaviors of those on it because it helps you feel more secure.  I know some of you reading this are Tops/Doms/Masters and that as a part of your relationship structures you are in the lead.  This may be the case, and it's one thing to create a context for someone - it's a whole other ball of bullshit to force anyone into anything.  How this might show up is when your person (friend, partner, lover, whatever) is doing something (housework, bookkeeping, going out on a date with a new person), and you impose yourself in his/her space in an attempt to divert their attention or change their behavior because you're feeling insecure or jealous or out of control.  

2. Take on Projects rather than People : Have you ever heard someone say "s/he would be perfect if only s/he would do/change _____________"?  Um yeah. So you bring people into your life with the pre-supposition that there's something wrong with them?  How's that working for you?  In a heteronormative (boy-girl) context, this is classic girl behavior.  We meet a guy and want him to change how he dresses, or how he keeps his house, or the job he has, or the way he communicates, because when that happens, everything will be perfect.  Yes it's true that people change over time.  It's also been my experience that accepting people as they are right now is a far more empowered way to be in relationship with them.  Another way to think of this is "If you can't be with a person as they are, maybe you could go be somewhere else".    Even in D/s relationships, I would suggest it's favorable to hold people able and whole.

3. Expect Telepathy : We all do this one at times.  Expecting telepathy means expecting someone to know what you need just because they know you.  It can also mean making assumptions about someone's role in your relationship without talking about it.  For example, many folks assume someone is going to be the dishes person and someone is going to be the garbage person, but if you don't talk about it, and give your person an opportunity to agree - it's possible that there may be a breakdown somewhere. You might also be under the impression that 'just because s/he's with me, s/he will want to do X, or know that Y is important to me'. Rather than expect your partners to be mind-readers, perhaps you could try on using your words. Expecting telepathy isn't the same as anticipatory service, which can show up in D/s relationships.  THAT  has to do with learning a person's preferences and taking actions in support of those.  However, expecting someone to grok all of your desires and wishes without giving data can be a way to set someone up to fail.  

4. Make Your Problems about Them :  It's their fault the relationship is having problems, right?  They don't love you enough, or take you out on the right kind of dates.  They are selfish and uncaring.   Um, yeah.  See here's the thing; everywhere you see a problem in your relationships - YOU ARE THERE. And I mean everywhere.  You're the one seeing a problem, my friend.  You need to start taking responsibility for the ways that you're creating your life and experience.  When you do that, something magical happens.  Nothing changes, and yet everything is transformed, because you are in your power and you aren't making others responsible for your feelings.  I've blogged about this here. Certainly people make choices which have consequences.  One such choice might be having an affair.  That's a shitty thing to do, and you may find yourself in a situation where you are renegotiating and reconsidering your relationship.  Doesn't mean that you get to haul off and yell and scream and be shitty back to your person.  I mean, you could do that.  You could also be in a space of compassion and inquiry.  You still may choose to leave the relationship.  That would be your choice. 

5. Settle For Crumbs When What You Desire Is the Whole Cake :  Lookit.  Not every relationship is going to manifest in ways that you are fully satiated in the areas of what you want and need.   That said, if you are spending a great deal of energy and time with/on someone, and you have the experience of settling for crumbs - why are you staying?  Here's how this might play out.  You long for and need to have a certain kind of time spent with someone.  Maybe that's sex. Perhaps it's play.  Could also be them being present with you - so that when you're in a room together, they are paying attention to you rather than playing Xbox (as an example).  You express that as a need, and your person reflects back to you an understanding of that need and says that they will change behaviors to help you feel that your need is fulfilled.  Then nothing changes.  They are still playing Xbox (or working on their business, or spending time with other partners), and you are wanting and needing that certain kind of time.  If you stay in that context, despite not having your basic needs met, you are settling.  Now, I want to be very clear about something here.  The person whose behavior isn't changing is not wrong.  They are simply behaving in a certain way.  Where your power lies is in the choices you make around how to be with that.  You could leave the relationship.  You could pick up a hobby.  You could reframe your need, and if you are having the experience of accepting crumbs when what you want is the whole cake, then you are settling.  Have a little more self-respect and self-love.  Don't have it?  Do some work to cultivate it.

6. Act Out of Jealousy : Jealousy is an emotional state that arises when you want something from someone and have the fear that they are giving it to someone else.  In poly contexts, this might arise when one of your partners starts exploring with someone new, and you see the NRE (new relationship energy), or feel threatened by the areas in which they connect.  It can also show up in platonic contexts, such as when your co-worker gets the promotion rather than you.  They don't call it a green-eyed monster for nothing.  When you are jealous you are not in an emotionally mature space, and you might start saying and doing things that are, well, unkind.  For example.  You may gossip about your co-worker.  Perhaps you sabotage things around the new person so they are forced out.  What Jealousy is, really, is a gift to you.  It's a gift because it signals that you have an appetite which isn't being fulfilled, and/or you have expectations which haven't been stated and are not being met.  If you can get your head out of your ass long enough to take some responsibility for how you're feeling, and do some work around what's creating the jealousy in you, you will likely find yourself with some good information.  Here's an example from my life.  I had a partner (who remains Family to me) who is a rope god.  He can do so much amazing stuff with rope.  There came a time, that whenever a new person would come around to do rope with him, I'd feel jealous.  When I became aware of a pattern, I took a step back and did some inquiring as to the origin of that feeling, and what I ended up finding is that I was hungry for rope.  I think it had been about 6 months since I had rope with this guy.  Rather than make him wrong for doing rope with other people (this was well within our negotiated boundaries), I said "I'm noticing that I feel jealous when you do rope with other people, and I think it's because I'm hungry for your rope.  Can we find some time to do some bondage and suspension together and make it somewhat regular?"  He said yes, and we did.  Problem solved.  How do you think it would have turned out if I said 'you're spending all your time with that person doing bondage and you never do bondage with me?'....

7. Hold Grudges and Withhold Forgiveness :  I see grudges and forgiveness as so closely interrelated, I'm grouping them as a single item here.  In my POV, holding a grudge has to do with cultivating negative and hostile feelings towards someone for something they did or something you think they did.  Holding Grudges is a very tempting thing to do, because you get to have righteous indignation about someone.  You get to make them wrong, and, therefore, you get to be right.  You get to say things about how horrible that person is for what they did, so that you can look and feel better about yourself, and the way many people operate, you will attract supporters for your grudge.  All that does is create separation and make it so you are living in negativity and hostility, and you know what?  Your negative and hostile thoughts and feelings towards someone isn't about them.  It's about your own thoughts and feelings.  I posted a picture on Fetlife that stirred some interesting dialogue about this, if you'd like to read more. Now, Forgiveness has to do with releasing those negative and hostile feelings towards someone regardless of what they did or what you think they did.  Please understand that I'm talking about something very VERY powerful.  Here's the deal. Have you ever contemplated how holding onto hostility and negativity helps you?  I'll tell you a secret.  Holding onto hostility and negativity does not help you - it hurts you.  Whatever happened happened.  You don't have to change your mind that what the person did was right in order to forgive, and we become that which we habitually do.  If you practice holding grudges and being negative and hostile, that's what you're going to be - a grudge-holding angry and negative person.  Contrarily, if you practice forgiveness and releasing the hostility and negativity you hold towards people, know what you become?  You become free.  Here's some information from Harvard about the power of forgiveness. 

There you have it folks - 7 things you can do to fuck up your relationships.  7 mistakes I, myself have made.  7 things on which I work to correct.  7 

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Reading Motives

Gentle Readers,

I have had something on my mind for a while now - a teaching which was offered to me within the last couple of years, and I'm offering it to you here, as a reminder to myself, and because it created a paradigm shift for me.

The concept is really quite simple and goes something like this: "read nothing into his/her motives". 

Merriam-Webster defines motive as "something (as a need or desire) that causes a person to act".  Motives are why we do what we do - they go to intent.  Now, I know some of you who have read my writing on Intent v Rules are thinking to yourselves "but Bendy, you're all about intent, aren't you?"  Well, yes and no - in the Intent v Rules post, I'm writing about the context of relationships.  In this post, I'm writing about the context of interpretation.

Linguistically, one of the ways you will know you're reading into motive is through the use of 'because', and this can happen explicitly as well as implicitly.

Explicit reading into motives (in your thinking and speech) sounds like 'Amanda doesn't care about my needs, because she didn't do that thing I wanted her to do ', or 'Gary's irresponsible,  because he's late'.  Note the use of the word 'because'.  That's what makes the reading explicit.

Implicit reading into motives (in your thinking and speech) sounds like 'Amanda doesn't care about my needs,' or 'Gary's irresponsible'.  The 'because' is still there- it's just not stated, and in that way it's implicit.

Motive-reading can get somewhat insidious.  If you say something like 'Gary's late' (which may be factually accurate), and then have the thought 'disrespectful asshole!', guess what?  You're reading into motive. 

If your mind is anything like mine, it's an expert at generating motive.  I am sometimes convinced that drivers are fuck-faced jerks with no regard to anyone around them - most of all me.  The motive I'm reading is the "jerk-faced-ness with ill regard", in case you're having difficulty tracking this. 

I repeat: I am an expert at reading motive.  

By the way - so are you. 


Have you ever heard someone say 'but he's my boyfriend.  He should want to do blah-dee-blah with me,'?  Oh really?  How's that working out for you?

Oh - or how about this one?  Your car battery is dead, and you kick the tires and say 'you fucking fuck!' Reading into motive.  What - are you seriously going to tell me you've never blamed an inanimate object for your upset?  Honestly??

Stuff happens.  People say things.  People take action. People don't take action.  All that happened is that something was said or (not)done.


I invite you to join me in becoming so completely unable to read motive, it might as well be the language of some distant planet that exploded 4,000,000,000 years ago.

People don't pressure you - they say and do things, and you read a motive that they are pressuring you.  

People aren't disrespectful - they say and do things, and you read a motive that they are disrespecting you.

People aren't uncaring, because they haven't met your expectation of them.  They are simply doing and saying what they are doing and saying.  


Now, why is reading into motive something of which to be aware?  I'm all about personal power; how to cultivate it, how to store it, contexts in which it can be exchanged, etc.. When you focus on the why of another's actions or words, you are disempowered, and PS - you're disempowering them.  

Empowered relating to people's behavior comes from neutrality.  

Gary was late. That's what happened.
Amanda didn't do what you hoped she would.  That's what happened.

Now, what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to get all up in someone else's business, or are you going to be in your power, and see that your reading of the events in your life are your business - and solely yours to change? 

You want punctuality? Ask for it.  You don't need to make someone disrespectful for it.  

You have a need that isn't being met?  Say what it is.  Simply. You don't need to make someone uncaring because of it.

You need to jump your car battery?  Get out your cables, flag someone down and jump the car battery. You don't need to make your car wrong for it.

If you want the world to be other than it is, start being other than you are, because I guarantee you.  Nobody is going to do it for you.

Namaste

It's not / It's all -- about you

Good morning, lovelies.  


I have news to share today: it's not about you.  It really isn't.  All the stuff people do to/ pull on you?  Not about you, and yet, it's ALL about you.  Yes, folks.  We live in a paradox.  Let me spell it out.




Someone cuts you off in traffic? - that's NOT about you
You stay with the anger that arises in response?  - that's ALL about you

Someone is late for a date? - that's NOT about you
You judge them as inconsiderate? - that's ALL about you

Someone breaks a promise to you? - that's NOT about you
You raise your voice and yell at them in response? - that's ALL about you

Someone tells you they love you? - that's NOT about you
You enjoy your loving feelings towards someone? - that's ALL about you

Someone confides in you? - that's NOT about you
You break/honor the confidence? - that's ALL about you

Someone crosses a boundary of yours? - that's NOT about you
You remain silent about the crossing? - that's ALL about you

Someone posts something? - that's NOT about you
You identify with the post?  - that's ALL about you

Someone is verbally hostile towards you? - that's NOT about you
You feel afraid in response? - that's ALL about you




Let me flip this so you can see the mirror:
You cut someone off in traffic? - that's ALL about you
Someone flips you the bird in response? - that's NOT about you

You're late for a date? - that's ALL about you
Your date says that you're inconsiderate? - that's NOT about you

You break a promise to someone? - that's ALL about you
Someone yells at you in response? - that's NOT about you

You tell someone you love them? - that's ALL about you
Someone expresses enjoying loving feelings toward you? - that's NOT about you

You confide in someone? - that's ALL about you
They break/honor the confidence? - that's NOT about you

And so on.....



Here's the thing, and this is a very VERY important thing.  

Nobody can take your peace without your consent.  
Nobody can make you feel one way or another without your consent.

You cannot love a person - only enjoy your loving feelings towards them.
You cannot hate a person - only enjoy your hatred towards them. 

Your feelings are solely in your power to change
Your actions are solely in your power to change
Your thoughts are solely in your power to change
Regardless of the cause.


Namaste,

Bendy

Just Friends

Have you ever used the phrase, "we're just friends"?  or perhaps you reframed a relationship recently and "decided to just be friends"?  or maybe someone you were with observed two people you know with each other as Partners, and you responded with "oh no.  They're just friends".

I know I've said all of those phrases and more, and this is something I am working on removing from my vocabulary, because to me, the phrasing connotes a relationship that is somehow less than others (like partners, spouses, and intimates). 

I'm here to suggest something to you - and to remind myself of it too - Friendship can be one of the deepest, most meaningful commitments you and I can make to another.  

Friend is a very VERY big word.

My grandmother used to tell me that I would be one of the luckiest people in the world if I could count my true friends on just one hand, and I believe her words to be true.

In my world view, a Friend is someone with whom I share mutual love and respect and whose personhood I cherish so much, the exterior construct of our relationship is secondary our commitment to Knowing each other.  These are relationships in which there is a give and take of support offered and accepted in many forms (time, resources, holding space, moving, etc.).  

Not all platonic relationships are friendships in my perspective.  I mean, I'm platonic with my biological family, and I would call 3 of the 7 of them my Friends. I would also suggest that romantic love and friendship can co-mingle beautifully and successfully.  Of the couples I know who have been together over 40 years, all have talked with me about the quality of their friendship having a great deal to do with the success of their marriages.  

For me, Friendship is the deepest commitment I make, because it comes with the promise that, no matter how our relationship is structured (lovers, D/s, co-workers, collaborators,etc.) I will show up for you again and again.  I will hold a mirror for you and ask for the same.  I will be inconvenienced for you - and not ask for payback or hold a grudge.  I will do my damnedest to see you as the YOU who you are and not the you who I wish you to be.

Am I friends with my romantic partners? This is something for which I strive, and it is the thing that has empowered me to transform romantic relationships into platonic relationships with minimal 'collateral damage', so yes. I would say that I hold an intention towards friendship in romance.  

Having recently moved to Seattle, my primary need in relationship is Friends. I also need and want romance and sex and M/s and play and camaraderie, of course. The person I moved here to be near is a Friend of over 20 years (also my Sister)...   That's the relationship that was so strong I left the East Coast.  

Here are some questions about friends to get some thoughts rolling - these are the kinds of questions I ask myself about people I am considering calling Friends.....

• Who in your life is safe enough for you to be around when you're at the bottom of your barrel - when your life is blowing up - when you look like crap, have bad breath, and are wearing ill-fitting clothing?
• Who in your life saw something you posted on a social network and reached out to you to lend a hand (even and especially if you didn't ask for it)? 
• Who in your life can you call for 'sanity checks' if someone criticizes your behavior or calls into question parts of your character and will tell you the truth as they see it - even if it's not what you want to hear?
• To whom do you listen?
• Who in your life is truly happy for your successes and not threatened by your brilliance, your beauty, or your talents?
• Who challenges you to be bigger and better day by day?
• Who asks you how you're doing and sincerely wants to know the answer?
• Who can you not see for a year or more, and with whom you can get into a room, and it's like no time has passed?
• Who doesn't really care how famous you are (or are not)?
• With whom can you cry?
• Who trusts you with their car keys? House keys? Pets? 
• Who are the people around whom your heart sings?
• Whom do you Trust?
• Who would show up for your intervention?
• Who knows you?
• With whom can you disagree and not have that threaten the foundation of your relationship?

You can turn all of these around as well - to see the people in your life towards whom you are offering friendship.

If your relationships aren't fulfilling, perhaps you could change how you are in them?  Try it - you might surprise yourself.

I recall a woman who was about to marry a male friend of mine freaking out in my specific direction about my relationship with her fiancé'.  I mean - she was really upset about it.  She knew that he and I had a platonic relationship - that we had no intention of broadening the context of that to anything sexual or romantic, and yet she was so unbearably threatened by our friendship, it was causing strife and conflict.

I asked her one day why she was so afraid of my friendship with him, and her response (paraphrased) was "It's possible that Bob and I won't be married forever, and yet I know that you and he will be together until one of you dies". I didn't really have a response to that, because it was true.  Instead, she and I had a conversation about friendship - and it came up in the conversation that she could be his spouse/lover as well as his friend. Even with their divorce, they were and remain close friends to this day (my timeline with him goes back 30 years - their timeline is about 25 years long).  My big bonus from that shift was that she and I became friends as well.  

So the next time you and I use minimizing language like "just friends" for such powerful and empowering relationship contexts, maybe we could stop a moment and consider the power of our words.  

Just some food for thought on a grey Wednesday afternoon in my perch in Seattle.

Namaste,

Bendy

How I Practice "Good Poly"

I've been noticing something recently: something that started as a "huh", and has grown into a bit of a quandary.  That something is a fairly consistent piece of feedback I get that generally sounds like "you practice good poly".  

I've was monogamous my whole dating life, which started at 13.  I've only been in Poly contexts for about 3 years now, and I'm quite comfortably poly at this point in time.  I wrote a series on my shift from monogamy to poly here. 

I've been resisting the 'good at poly' label, and after some introspection, I think I have a sense of why...

I'm not good at poly.  I'm good at Relationship.  To be clear:  this is something on which I work diligently and daily - it's part of my practice.  There is no perfect - only practice.

I hear a lot of rhetoric in poly spaces, that goes something like "Poly people are better at relationship, because we have to negotiate and communicate more than mono people". 

This has not been my experience.  My experience has been that there are folks who are more successful in Relationship than others, regardless of how that Relationship takes place, and it has much more to do with the people involved than the context in which it occurs.  Your mileage may vary, of course.

So here are several things I do - strategies I employ - that I believe are some of the reasons people say I 'do good poly', and please know - I learned all of these in a mono context.

These are in order of the sequence in which they bubbled to the top of my awareness - not in order of importance

I hold myself responsible for my emotional state and ask that my People do the same
This is one of the few non-negotiable standards I hold in all of my adult relationships (play, sex, romantic, D/s, friend, Family).  I wrote about this recently for Fearless Press. You can find the article here.

I know the difference between what I need and what I want, and I communicate that  
My needs and desires change over time, and I've found that this is a conversation that comes up again and again in Relationship. I will say "I prefer that conversation to happen in person" if it's  preference, and "I need to have that conversation in person" if it's a need.  Very simple. 

I choose The Path of Kindness  
I am fully aware that getting all that I want all of the time is an inappropriate intent. Rather, I look for the path that is the most likely to create a win/win for all involved.  I call that The Path of Kindness.  It has to do with shifting from an attached perspective towards a detached perspective, and it is incredibly liberating.  It is also a way of showing love, and I enjoy showing love.  

I acknowledge significance in my partner's life  
I don't want to be the center of someone's universe. I get it that my Masculine partners have careers, Family, other Relationships, etc. that they are cultivating, and I'm just fine with that.  Whether my partner be tending to a garden, writing a piece of code, spending time with another person, etc...   what I look for has less to do with the what/who of the other focus and rather the how.   Is the person with whom I am in Relationship present with me when we are together?   Is the person with whom I am in Relationship skillful in estimating the amount of time it will take to come to completion with another task (date, meeting, practice) before we can come together? Are my needs in the relationship being met?  Stuff like that. 

I am functional all on my own
This means that I do not ask anyone else to fix me, or complete me.  Rather, what I seek is enhancement, excitement, intimacy, opportunities to share and to be vulnerable.  Sure, there are contexts in which I need an anchor, and absolutely there are times in which I need solace and comfort.  I just don't want/need one person to be all of that for me.

I create my own experience of security
While I take responsibility for my security (as I am truly the only person who can give it to me), I most definitely cultivate relationships with people who buttress that : people who are honest, show integrity and who strive to correct errors. I look for people whose intentions are in harmony with mine.

I take my time
Georgia O'Keeffe said it best "Nobody sees a flower - really - it's so small it takes time.  We haven't time, and to see takes time.  Like to have a friend takes time."  No matter how hungry I am for it (sex, play, camaraderie, a Master, new friends), I always have time to see -  time to learn a person - time to find out about them.  My most successful friendships are at the 40 year mark this year, and believe you me, we have changed a lot over the last 4 decades!

I get curious
If something is challenging and I find myself moving towards resistance, I work to shift towards a mindset of curiosity.  In the moments I'm able to do so with the sense of wonder I had as a toddler, then it's all the better.  

I negotiate behaviors - not feelings
What I mean by this is, I'm more likely to ask someone "what kinds of behaviors would communicate X to you" than I am "how can I make you feel Y".  The biggest reason for this is I have control over my behaviors, whereas I have no control over someone else's feelings.  What's really terrific about these kinds of conversations, is that the person answering the question can be concrete.  Please note- this is very closely paired with The Path of Kindness...

I mind my own business.
To quote my teacher, Byron Katie, "There are 3 kinds of business in the world:  my business, your business and God's business.  Whose business are you in?" So simple.  Not always easy, and yet so very VERY simple.  




I'm curious to learn how YOU practice good Relationship.  What kinds of strategies do you employ?

Why I'm Out about being Poly

I feel a moral calling to be open about poly, as that speaks to the who of love and commitment, and I couldn't knowingly create a context where someone I love doesn't have the space to express his/her love of another, simply because we are "together", for whatever value of together. Kink I'm less open about, as that speaks to the how of love, and that isn't anyone's business but mine and my partner/s.