69 Things about Me

Written stream-of-consciousness....    69 Things about me

1. I identify as Taoist
2. I'm a Gemini, and I have a twin brother 
3. I'm a 4 on the Enneagram
4. 99% of the time I flirt, it's as sport
5. If you flirt with me, I'm likely to receive it as sport
6. I don't do pick-up play with new people (to me)
7. I strongly prefer to watch you work before playing with you, regardless of your status in the scene
8. I'm claustrophobic; if we become physically intimate, it's likely this will come up, and I will let you know it's coming up by saying something like, "i'm feeling panicked"
9. How you handle that moment will be significant to me
10. I'm spending time with you because of who you are as an individual - not how much of an audience or following you have
11. I won a partial scholarship to Graduate School as a surprise - my English professor had submitted me to it
12. I've been teaching since I was 13
13. My need to teach is as strong as my need to breathe - don't fuck with it unless you know what you're doing
14. I'm a masochist
15. I'm highly service-oriented
16. I sometimes need to be reminded that it's OK to take care of my self in ways other than serving others
17. My first profession was as a dancer/classical musician
18. The only thing that comes close to a fetish for me is sapiosexuality
19. The spell-check on my computer doesn't know the word 'sapiosexuality'
20. I do my best to act from a place of compassion, even when I'm upset or angry
21. I operate at my best when I have sufficient rest, food and water
22. I'm intent-based - you can find out more about that here.
23. I'm more likely to read non-fiction than fiction these days
24. I don't own a television
25. I sometimes need aftercare
26. It's OK if you don't provide aftercare - please honor my need
27. I don't negotiate scenes
28. I do negotiate boundaries
29. I date function over form - don't care too much what you look like - very much care how and who you are
30. I have a phobia of driving on bridges that go over water, and I regularly drive on bridges that go over water
31. After I've been showing up for people for extended periods of time, I tend to do a big dump - you will know this, because I will come across as "me me me and then I...  me me me..  blah blah bladitty blah blah" - I have no expectation that you will even try to hear all of what comes out during the dump
32. I will feel cared for and cherished if you hold out an imaginary trashcan and let me fill it while I'm dumping - especially if you don't try to solve problems in those moments
33. I'm extremely Wu
34. I consider myself to be highly sex-positive, even though I'm highly selective in regards to with whom I share my energy
35. I don't use safewords
36. I am a breath play bottom (there are currently 3 people I Trust to top me in this manner, and one hasn't laid his hands on me...  yet)
37. I'm on friendly terms with all of my ex-es with whom I am in any kind of social context (some I'm not in touch with anymore)
38. My favorite vegetable is Kale
39. I can't stand pickles
40. Any music by Enya triggers the fight part of the fight-or-flight response in my body - play at your own risk
41. I'm highly extroverted
42. I crave and need solitude
43. I've been going into trance states since nursery school
44. I'm considering a return to school for a PhD
45. I'm part Gypsy
46. I take care of my body, and I want you to take care of your body too
47. I'm a hub - you will definitely make new connections because you know me
48. I believe in supporting others' work, even if they might be construed as competition
49. I am what many people would call 'a sexual abuse survivor', although I don't identify with that term at all
50. I strongly prefer thud over sting
51. If you make me gag while throat-fucking me, it will be as a result of your intent - not your cock
52. I love my family of origin
53. The longest-running friendships I have are 40 years - JK and JC
54. I am committed to self-realization
55. In 6th grade, I made up a Geometric Theorem that my teacher couldn't dis-prove.  We were allowed to use the theorem for the remainder of the year
56. I can be very stupid about a lot of things
57. I can't spell worth shit and once considered a career in genetics specifically to prove there is a gene for spelling, and I got two recessive ones.  This was in the 5th grade, when we learned about the Punnett Square
58. I feel/act awkward when I really like someone (that way) - especially as we are first getting to know each-other
59. It's almost impossible to make me blush
60. I'm an abstract-analytical learning type who is also highly kinesthetic 
61. My BDSM is an expression of my connection with and an expression of the Divine
62. If you use both sides of your brain regularly, I will find you interesting 
63. Alchemy turns me on
64. I often eat vegetables for breakfast
65. I maintain a daily yoga/meditation practice - not always the same practice... 
66. I would like to book-bond again
67. I'm working towards making space in my life to paint again, as I miss it
68. I'm a heyoka
69. I'm subversive

Subicidal Tendencies

I've been outside of a 24/7 D/s dynamic for a whole, what 2.... 3 weeks now?  It's really odd.    I'm very grateful that I'm still friendly with the last two I've served in the day-to-day-all-the-time ways I have, and of course there are some in my life who are, well, Deliciously Dominant.

I don't have that ONE anchor - a Primary, I suppose one might call it in a poly sense of the term.   This is by choice, of course, and I know it's not going to be forever, and yet, in the last couple of weeks I've:

• noticed submissive thoughts towards my GPS
• called a platonic friend "sir" when he suggested I not lose P
• started calling @RiggerJay my Marketing Top (we don't have a power dynamic)
• been dreaming about Dominant Men I know - in ways I don't normally dream
• started plotting out all of the 'teacher trainings' i'm going to do (this is a way for me to follow directions)
• Shit -i've already BEEN to two teacher trainings - who am I trying to kid?

I'm feeling a little lost. OK -  a lot lost.......   not in a bad way; rather in a 'now what?' kind of way.   I know where my center is.  I'm on walkabout  in a very real sense: circumambulating my life, and it's delicious - and huge and a bit frightening.   


I have no issue at all with the concept of being largely solo, having friends with whom I can share experiences - and feel submissive towards - from whom I would gladly accept dominance, masculinity and sadism.


I'm also OK with being 'on my own' from a practical standpoint - working, ensuring I eat healthy food (except this weekend, when I proved once again that I need to spend actual time prepping food for travel or I will eat crap), exercising, keeping myself groomed..  You know - the day to day stuff.


I feel like I did when I finished graduate school;  I had skills, a degree from a very good institution, had been working since I was 14, a solid relationship with both families (birth and chosen), and no fucking clue what to do or how to do it.


I remember talking with my father at the time - about how it felt like I was in a second adolescence - that somehow staying in school until I was 23 didn't really prepare me for life.  I remember talking with my mother at the time - about how I felt like I was in the middle of a sphere of possibilities, and I was so afraid to take a step - that it would lead me down a path of wrongness... 


I remember saying to both of my parents that I was afraid to look at my self really, because I was afraid I wouldn't like what I found.

Then I found a Writer - actually he found me.  We met in a Walgreens; introduced by a roommate of mine.  One look and I was his.  After over 10 years of being in Relationship with domineering asshats, I had met a Dominant Man of Integrity and Honor...   and everything shifted.   

I had an anchor - a point of certainty from which I could waffle, float, move, explore and play.  R introduced me to Midori and Michael Manning (although I'm certain they don't remember it) - and watching the two of them interact showed me a depth of energetic connection I hadn't experienced.   R took me to my first orgy, hosted by some author named Carol.  She had some book project about exhibitionism or something... I don't know.  I DO know It was the first time I saw a woman squirt - and a man sit on a traffic cone (or similar).   

R helped me to understand that my core tendencies weren't wrong or weak -that they are strong and amazing. We were together long enough for me to learn that all of the things about me I was afraid to look at are beautiful and amazing and electric and attractive.


I don't know that I've ever told him that...  


And here I am now, having been in relationship with Men of Honor for the last 15+ years, and I'm lost and confused.

And you know what?

It's OK.   

No.  It's not OK.  It's fucking fantastic.

I know that I can anchor - I just need to find the right port.


Or ports.


 

So here's to being lost and confused - to having subicidal tendencies in unusual directions - to new friends and lovers - to re-framing existing relationships - and to all of us who live to serve from our core.

The Elephant in the Room

This one time, at kink camp, there were 6 blind kinksters.  They couldn't see a damn thing - could feel, though.  These 6 kinksters were lead to the center of the dungeon, where they came into contact with a big-ass elephant.  Thing is, none of them had ever seen an elephant, so they didn't know what it was.

The first kinkster, a submissive with a penchant for sensation play, happened upon the ear of the elephant.  He screamed with glee "this elephant is like the silken fan my Mistress caresses over my skin!"

The second kinkster, a toppy-bi femme, happened upon the tusk of the elephant.  She was so excited to have a new dildo for her strap-on collection, she squeed!

The third kinkster, a rope aficionado, felt the tail and thought to himself - "this twisted animal hyde could be effective in my next shibari performance"


The fourth kinkster, a mumification bottom, felt the trunk and melted into subspace immediately


The fifth kinkster, a bootblack, felt the leg of the elephant, and thought to hirself "this would make a great stool!"


The sixth kinkster, a strong believer in after care, felt the side of the elephant, and proclaimed "holy shit batman - this would make a great cuddly blanket!"

And as the story is traditionally, told, a wize old Dungeon Monitor came to the six blind kinksters and said "you are all right and you are all wrong, for each of you can only get a sense of part of the elephant-  none of you can see the whole thing - only I can, because I have sight and you don't"

But that isn't how it works, is it?  one metaphorical DM sees the whole one way, one DM sees the whole another way, and it's all good until one DM tries to impose her way of seeing on another.

We have so many elephants in the room in WIITWD :  the elephants of consent, authority, power, humiliation, personal space, survivor, race, predators, prey, tops, bottoms, etc....

No matter how much you or I believe we see - we are all blind. No matter how broad your perspective - or mine, it is always limited as long as there is an 'I' having the perspective.

Put another way - elephant shit stinks.  Speak from your own experience, and you stand less of a chance of smelling like it.


And P.S. - I wrote this post as much as a reminder to myself as a suggestion to anyone else.

Objectify Bendy

I start each Gregorian calendar year, with a very long meditation/ritual process that results in what is commonly referred to as a vision board.   This year was no different - and yet quite significant - as the shift in Relationship between me and P was underway, and I had a lot on my mind that night.  Because I have so many questions happening in my life, I chose the bagua as the map to use.  I don't generally map a vision board.....  in this case, however, it was the correct path.

I know that 2012 is going to be so much different a year than the last 42, delving into my unconscious and mapping it in this way, I felt, would give me a good sense of the seeds I'm planting in all areas of my life.   Areas where I want to increase abundance not only in my work and finances, but in my sex life - my experience as a submissive - and my strong desire to physically submit to consciously controlled sadistic wu.  Such a hippie, right?  And as I mentioned in the Service (interrupted) post, this is to be done outside of the context of a 24/7 D/s dynamic

For me, 2012 is a year of exploration - growth - change - challenge - risk - and solidification... so many adventures to be had!!!

If you notice the lower left hand corner of the bagua map above, it is about Self-Understanding...    Imagine my surprise when THIS showed up (cropped to the best of my ability)....  She's a real woman - photographed as a doll AND objectified as a servant of tea.  

This was the image I identified the most with, when I contemplated self-awakening.   To be objectified and serve tea?  Well, yes and no.

In the system I study, Taoism, there is a concept called the dantien.  If you've studied martial arts, it's often referred to as the hara.  In Yoga, this would be the Second Chakra - the seat of the Self. The teapot in this image is nestled in this woman's dantien - it's her center/core

For me, the image has myriad meanings - all pretty much only relevant to me, but I'm sure some of the background given here will be...  useful...  to one or two of you ;-)

The dantien is often depicted as a cauldron (pot) in which a practitioner can put stuff (energy) to be used for self or other (which is a misnomer, because there is no separation, but that misnomer will require its own post).  The dantien (this one of three) is also the point at which the water and heat elements in the body meet.  See, generally speaking, heat rises towards the sky, and water falls towards the earth (imagine fire and rain).  By consciously cultivating different energies in the body, one can flip the polarity of water and fire, thus making a kind of cosmic tea - in the system I study, it's generally referred to as steam.

This cosmic tea can be served to the organs of the body - to a person in need of healing - and to a partner - one with whom I am interacting with physically - with intent.  It's an object.

Backtrack a bit, and I'm playing with someone with whom I have a Relationship.  I'm sure we would both be hard-pressed to define it, in part because we haven't spent much time doing so.  I know we care about each other.  I know I see behind some of his veils - and he behind mine.  We definitely vibe when it comes to the way I like to be treated - beaten, slapped around, facefucked, tied, cuntpunched and then fucked so hard I don't know what planet I'm on - and then some relaxing chit chat about this and that - an occasional 'how ya doin?' to check in...  THAT works.  

Sometimes we are friends, hanging out, shooting the shit.  Other times we are colleagues, talking about our gigs - and our classes - what is working, what we're working on - bouncing ideas off each other. We might be travel buddies one weekend, barely interacting at a event, and the next, spend several days in eachother's company sucking and fucking - in those moments, I'm an object.

Lately, he's been wanting me to cry.  I suppose he has a thing for that.  I enjoy a good cry. For me, an authentic cry comes from my core - from that teapot in the lady up there..  from the space in me where all is possible - where magic happens - creativity - insight - intuition - orgasm.  

Far as I'm concerned (and speaking solely for myself), any top/sadist/Dom/Master can hit me hard enough to make me cry.  Just about any can probably tie me up uncomfortably enough that when he fucks me (i'm largely het), i'm going to cry...

But there have only been a handful of men who can make me weep.  Can take me to a place of exposure, vulnerability - past the anger (from the canes or denial), through the rage (the delusion of weakness) and into a space of open vulnerability.   That's where I weep.

And when I weep, I pour...  All of the cultivation and intention I work in my daily practice - all that is filling me up?  You get that, whomever you are who can get me to that place.   When I first started these studies, I tried to be egalitarian in them - to come to the Union as equals, and failed every time.  I also tried to move away from some of the ways my shield starts to crack - from the face-slapping, name calling, degrading language...

And what I've found is that, with the right kind of monster, it is precisely the uncomfortable rope, the relentless reflection between the two of us, not just the acceptance, but the celebration of appetite, the breath - feeling hearts beat in unison - soaring to the heights of pleasure through the depths of pain.

THAT is a man I want to fuck - to suck - to open to, so he may fuck suck and penetrate me at my deepest.   That's someone worth crying over and for whom I will gladly be an object.

7 Days left to place your Ad in Fetish Fair Fleamarket Program Guide

I realize this is not the 'best' use of my blog - to post something about advertising for the Fetish Flea, and I thank you for understanding me posting this announcement here, so that folks who might like an opportunity to advertise in the program guide can see the announcement :-)

If you don't already know, I sit on the Board of Directors for the organization that produces the Flea, and I'm one of the primary Programming peeps, so I'm a bit involved :-)

The Flea attracts people from all over: predominantly New England, New York/NJ and the Mid Atlantic, and we have folks coming from TX, CA, Montreal, IL, and more!

So, for Advertising in the Fetish Fair Fleamarket Program Guide:

Business owners and professionals can reach over 3,000 new
customers in this years enlarged Fetish Fair Fleamarket Program Guide. Over
3,000 attendees will be saving this book and for the first time it
will have space available for kink friendly professionals to show
their support and let us know that they welcome our business.


Both kink related businesses and those who share an interest can be included -
if you are an attorney, realtor, financial or health care
professional, contractor, salesman or photographer there is still
time to place your message in the Fetish Fair Fleamarket Program
Guide. Several levels of Sponsorships are also available.

Contact Stephen Magnotta at Stevemagnotta@gmail.com or at
508 274 -7900 for more information. Deadline to reserve your ad is January 14.

Service (Interrupted)

I've been going back and forth for a bit as to whether/how to write about my current affairs.  Now that I've had conversations with the most important people in my life - P, my Bio family, my Leather family, and a good Friend with whom I share a power dynamic and play, I figure I'll put this out here, as someone will most definitely benefit from some of the awarenesses I've had over the last 6 months or so.

I have been in deep 24/7 D/s dynamics for much of my adult life.  The last five years or so have been non-stop.  First with Griffin, with whom I co-founded the MAsT chapter here in MA, and then just about immediately with P, to whom I've  been in service 2-ish years.  P and I both sit on the board of the New England Leather Alliance, we run programming for the Fetish Flea, we present at events monthly, and there's the day to day stuff, like keeping him clean and watered.   

Over the summer, I posted something about Being Bendy, which was catalyzed by me having a meltdown over all of the long-distance driving I was doing. I was frazzled, fatigued, etc.    Here we are, 4 months later,  and what's become clear to me is that I need to be on my own for a bit.  

Backing up here, (and my need for sex in my Relationships aside) I have a metric ton of decisions to make in the next year or so:

• Go back to school for another graduate degree?
• is it a Social Work thing?
• a Sociology/Psychology thing?
• do I stay in Massachusetts to do so?
• Move back to San Francisco? 
• How would I establish my business there when it's taken 8 years to get on my feet here in MA?
• Is my message as unique on the Left Coast as it is in New England and the Northeast?
• Do I Combine my mundane work and my Bendy work?
• if so, how?
• is this where the books and DVDs come in?
• will Bendy have to teach less about D/s and more about spirituality for K to get away with it
• I want to work more with people with dual diagnoses - a lot more
• and addicts
• and transfolk who are working through body stuff
• I want to speak professionally more - in vanilla contexts
• i need to learn how to grow this business
• I'm considering returning to Corporate in a training capacity
• am I even marketable at this point? Who would hire me?
• I took massive financial hits in 2007-09 from which I am still recovering - I've been correcting for the last couple of years, and now it's time to get all the way to the top.  

 
I miss having time to myself - for myself, and you know what? I need it.  Not just a day a month - I need significant (for whatever value of significant) time with me to work on me and to become a better me 
Only then will I be fit to serve another in a 24/7 long-term capacity
You might be thinking something to yourself like, "But Bendy - decisions like these are what good Dominants like P can help with". Perhaps.  These kinds of decisions are also ones that good therapists, coaches, mentors, and business consultants can help with.

See - I'm positive the path I walk will bring me Home (to me).   I personally believe I need to be there FIRST in order to offer any kind of authentic service to another.

So yes, I will maintain existing friendships and even a couple of more-than-friends with whom I share elements of D/s.  Yes, I will attend and present at events - with P.  Yes, I will continue to have Yoga for Kinksters classes in Boston, and I will happily remain on the board of NELA. 

And I will serve.

I will serve my students. I will continue to be an open ear and warm place for them to confess their dreams and desires.  I will demonstrate to the people I serve compassion, acceptance, and safety.

I will serve my Parents, who have given me so much.  I will help my mother have a place to vent about my father's health.  I will give my Father a place to vent about his health.  And anything else they may need that I can give.


I will serve my Community, via my work with NELA and other area groups.  I will serve by teaching.  I will serve by writing. I will serve by being a person folks can come to with questions.


Where I will NOT be serving is in a 24/7 D/s service-oriented Relationship with P.  I am flying solo, kiddies.  And while I know it pains him, as he'd prefer to have me, I know this is what I need to do for myself.  He is man enough to let me walk on my own, knowing that I will return if it's right for me.  I hope he doesn't sit still too long - he *does* enjoy life, ya know!


We are talking almost daily.  We still very much love each other, and we are being adults about this.  

I welcome you to do the same.

Why now?  If you must know, the only One to whom I fully Submit is The Committee (my guides), and this is what they are telling me to do.  I'm happy to tell you about them if you ask directly.    

Someone had the audacity to suggest that these actions I'm taking are selfish - that I shouldn't take time to work on me, because it puts my needs in front of others.


To this I call bullshit.  YES I am doing some conscious time focusing on my own shit.  YES I will be spending this time outside of the context of a Primary 24/7 Relationship (I *will* still have relationships).  YES I am making decisions about my Work and Life on my own. 

Being selfish means doing things and NOT caring for others.  The season I'm in , friends, is taking actions in order to care for others.   Doms aren't the only people I serve, thankyouverymuch.

I leave you with a quote that ended up on my 2012 Vision Board (this is what I did on NYE). "You can tell the depth of a person's enlightenment by the breath of their service to others".  Well, I'm including myself in "others" for the next year or so.

May 2012 bring you everything you dream, for your highest and greatest good!