Value and Judge

Good morning, Gentle Readers

I recently fulfilled a promise by writing a post on giving feedback, which you can read here. The promise was prompted by some statements I made after the 2011 Master/slave Conference, in this post.  There are related concepts to feedback which I believe bare some fleshing out, so I'm beginning that here.

The two related concepts I'm writing of are value and judgment.  As they relate to sharing observations with someone - to giving feedback, value and judgment are extraordinarily powerful and rife with potential conflict.

Taking a step back, let me first declare that it is my belief that, at our core, we all share similar needs when it comes to interacting with other people.  I believe we all need to have an experience of being understood, of being seen and treated as though we matter, and we need to experience a sense of same-ness.  How that manifests is as diverse as the now 7 billion people on the planet, but the core of it - the meat is the same.  We need to belong.  

Value

One of the ways that sameness is expressed is through values.  As a whole, those of us in the BDSM community value consent, sanity, and safety.  This is evidenced by the persistent use of the acronym:  SSC.   How this manifests is varied, of course.  Some people think it's safe to do single-point neck suspensions.  Others do not.  Some believe that it's perfectly fine to eat the flesh of another (yes, this has happened in our community), and others find it insane.  Spend a little time perusing Fetlife, and you will discover scores of debates on the nature of consent - how it's given, under what circumstances it can/should be revoked, etc...   

And yet we value  the ideals of Safety, Sanity and Consent.

Judgment

How many times have you said the following words about another person "S/he's an asshole".  If you read enough of my blogs, you will find the word asshat therein....    Or perhaps you use words like 'he's prejudiced', or 'she's lazy', or 'that idea is bullshit'...

These, my friends, are judgments.  They are judgments which have roots in - you guessed it- your values..., but here's the thing.  When you judge someone or something for not sharing your values, what you are doing is imposing your morals on them.

This is not compassionate - nor does it build bridges.  Far from it.  This kind of language separates, burns bridges, and sends the message of different-ness - not same-ness..  This language is not effective, in my experience.  I work on this constantly -

YES values are important.  YES it's good to be with and around people who share your values.  Making someone wrong because they don't have the same values as you?  That is a form of violence - even if it's spoken. 

In this post, I wrote about the difference between intent-based relationships and rules-based relationships.  Which relationship is right?  The one that works for you, of course!

So what does this have to do with giving feedback?

In the simple formula of getting consent, sharing observational language, and letting it be?  Absolutely nothing.  This isn't how things happen though, is it?  No.  Generally we say things like "I felt like you could have done such-and-such differently".  Or we say "He's a creeper".   Or we say "She's insane" (about how she get attached to her tops). 

We believe that "I felt you were angry" is observation, when in fact - it is not.    

When I spoke at the financial services company last week, I used the example sentence of "Jon is aggressive" when asking if statements were observations or evaluations (judgments). One woman was certain that the statement is an observation.

But what, exactly, constitutes aggression?  (Watch me play, and one might say that I'm being abused, but I'm not)

Observational language exists and originates from a place outside of your values - beyond judgment.  In the case of the aggressive Jon, the person would have more effectively made statements like:

• I saw Jon raise his fist
• I felt Jon's breath on my face
• I heard John's voice grow louder

But what if you really want Jon to know you find him aggressive?  Or if you need  your partner to understand how important it is that they pay a kind of attention to you?  How do you give that feedback from a place of observation?

I'll give you a hint:  it has to do with your emotions.

Look for a future post on the subject of emotions as they relate to feedback, value and judgment.

Until then, please consider contemplating your own values, judgments and observations.  I guarantee it will be time worth spent.

 

Open Letter to Guy Baldwin

Dear Guy Baldwin - 


I'm a heterosexual woman of privilege.  A person who has a graduate degree from a well-respected institution, the power of choice in where I live, one who has rarely had to worry about being ostracized for my sexuality, race, or orientation.  Beyond that, I grew up in a household where I never once questioned whether my parents wanted or loved me, and I felt safe. Apparently that makes me unusual - to have grown up loved and wanted.  My parents have been married for over 45 years now.  To each other, and this, too is unique. I get that.


I use a scene name.  


You seem to suggest that the reason I use a scene name is because I'm ashamed.  I've been sitting with that since your Keynote at LLC.  


I respect you as an elder, a professional, and a rabble-rouser.  And out of that respect, I have done some sincere soul-searching and introspection, and you know what? I just can't find truth in your words - for me. 


I am not ashamed.  


You told your story recently.  Here's a version of mine.  I call it a version, because, as you know in your work as a psychotherapist- it's all a story, right?


When I was growing up, my mother had a relationship outside of her marriage.  It devastated our family - not because she cheated on my father (he supported the relationship), but rather because of how it affected her career and livelihood.  The relationship was with my 6th grade science teacher - another woman - another teacher at the school where my mother was on staff.  Being teachers of children, my mother and her lover were summarily fired from their posts as educators, 'for the safety of the children'.  She never recovered fully from that - professionally, I mean. 


I was so confused to see this - the pain my mother experienced even with her obvious happiness, and the support of my father.  I recall crying at school one day, having been bullied by a score of older kids.  I couldn't understand what the problem was.  My mother recalls that my words to her were "if you aren't hurting anybody, what's the problem?".  How I understood that at 10 is a testament to the way my parents were raising me.


My mother lived with Sara (name change) for 5 years, and during that time my father had a string of 'friends' living with us.  All were male.  All were quite obviously gay, and many were leather.  During that time, I witnessed my favorite person be disowned by his family of origin for being a 'dirty fag' just when HIV started its toll on him.  Watching someone pass from complications of HIV at 15 (16?) was, to say the least, significant for me.  


I learned about suffering.  


And love.  


I moved to San Francisco after graduate school and began what was to become a successful career in high tech.  I also began exploring different tribes if you will.  I was deeply immeshed in the entheogen movement from a cultural and political perspective - gave my name to the movement to legalize marijuana in California. I also explored collective creative process, with such organizations as Burning Man, and many smaller groups whose focus was on 'what happens if we all come together with our best practices'.  


I also lived my kink.  I was a member of The Society of Janus, I hosted a private poly conversation at my home once a month even though I was monogamous, because they didn't have anywhere to go where they felt safe ( in SF??).  I wore collars openly at work.  I was led on leashes while walking through the streets of my neighborhoods.  And I was OUT - completely.


In 2001, I left IT to focus on teaching.  I now have practices around meditation, yoga, and many other topics - people have a tendency to hire me. You probably know what that feels like.  Feels good, yes?


In 2003, I moved to Boston (sight unseen) to discover that Massachusetts has laws on the books which disallow for any kind of consent around impact, or that, according to one expert I know, it's OK to put rope on someone, but if that person is moved from one room to another, it can be construed as kidnapping.   


If you aren't aware, Boston, as a market, is as competitive for people in my field as Los Angeles, San Francisco, and New York.  I've managed to establish myself not only as an effective teacher in studio settings, but I've also grown quite a corporate and private practice - all by direct referral.


For the first couple of years I was in Boston, I focused solely on building my base so that I could do things like eat and have a place to live.  I was celibate by choice and stayed focused on work for a few years. In 2006-ish or so, I met a Dominant with whom I began what would be a multi-year relationship.


I looked for resources around me, like Janus and TES - specifically for M/s and D/s  issues and found none.  Well, that's not quite accurate - I found MAsT.  The local chapter in Boston was for men, and when I reached out to me to ask if I could attend, I was politely and respectfully told no, because I'm not a man.  


Your words about gay men taking their young back home recently seem to be echoing something that was already happening in Boston years ago.  But I digress...


I co-founded a pansexual MAsT chapter here in 2007, and we've been going strong for 4 years.  Around that time, I was approached to start teaching kids, and the memories of my mother's professional suffering flooded back.  


My thought process was something akin to "do I stay as open as I was in San Francisco, knowing that the environment I'm in isn't, or do I adopt a scene name to help ensure my ability to earn a living". I chose the latter and became Griffins Girl, because I was with Griffin (obviously).


Fast forward another couple of years, and my relationship with Griffin had ended. I started a relationship with an incredible partner, who happens to sit on the board of the New England Leather Alliance. He and I quickly came to realize that we not only had a lovely friendship which had been established years prior to our romantic and D/s dynamic, we also had the potential to do great work together. 


At the time, I hadn't done much education in kink - there were so many amazing speakers and presenters around me in San Francisco, I honestly didn't see a need.


But in Boston - where the culture of our area is so Puritan - where I had to form an organization just to have the kinds of conversations I wanted to have?  I saw a need.  


The last time I was on a vanilla dating site, I made the screen name Bendyogagirl, because [mylegalname] was taken.  I remembered that, and several things fell into place:

1. a way to have a persona that has resonance and meaning for me (i'm flexible, a yogi, and identify as female)
2. a catchy identifier that people will remember (particularly knowing that it would be reduced to Bendy)
3. an available domain that I could use which would be separate from my other work, which is under 'mylegalname' dot com.
4. something easy to brand
5. a way to have a little cushion between my clark kent and superman sides
6. a level of anonymity you as a gay man have probably enjoyed in all-male settings around sex
7. a level of anonymity i can enjoy as an educator which provides some safety around earning my living

Yup - no shame in any of that.  Quite definitely a little bit of fear around keeping myself afloat financially, but absolutely no shame.

I am known many ways to many people: Bendy, Girl, love, yogi, shaman, healer, honey, teacher, daughter, lover, sister, Katie, student, kinkster, artist...

You strike me as a literate enough fellow.  Remember these words? "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 

Please don't keep me away from your wisdom, knowledge and experience simply because I'm heterosexual and my community has learned all it can from yours.  I'm quite certain there are volumes you have to teach me and mine.

If you would.

With respect, 

Bendy

Gimme Feedback

A bit ago, I wrote a piece titled, If Only Someone Had Told Me, and in it I reference learning how to give and receive feedback.  I promised a subsequent piece on the practice of feedback, so here it is.

I was reminded of the promise, because I spent several hours tonight preparing to give a talk on Improving Communication at a Financial Services company tomorrow, and the first concept in the workshop is an exploration of the differences between observation and evaluation.  (If you haven't figured it out by now - I teach almost all of what you get in kinky contexts professionally). 

Let me ensure that you remember something about me, gentle reader. I speak from my own experience.  There are many ways to do a thing - or to have a conversation  - and to give feedback. This is one that works for me, and it's one I use in many contexts.  I use it to give and receive feedback from teaching peers.  I use it to give feedback to my partners.  I use it to give feedback to people who ask for it.  Try it on.  If it fits - great.  If not, then put it back on the shelf.

 

Here are the essential steps for giving feedback:

1. Get consent
2. Use observational language
3. Leave it be

First thing's first - consent.  Nothing is quite as off-putting as someone saying "I have some feedback for you", and then going into an immediate diatribe.  Feedback puts the receiver in an understandably defensive frame of mind.  Timing is everything.  You may have something to say, but if the person you are with isn't open to hearing it, then things will end right there, or you'll have some argument, or some other timesink.

Step 2 - Use Observational Language.  Observational Language is concrete, specific, and about you and your experience.  Observational language in this context would contain words that correspond to senses:

I heard

I felt 

I saw

I tasted

etc...

The way you construct your sentenes would be simple:  Start with a sense, express what you experienced through that sense, and STOP as soon as the information is given.  

There isn't a need for 'because', or 'however', or any other conjunction - not when giving feedback. When I work with other teachers, I might say something like "I saw you pacing" or "I felt rushed" or "I heard you say 'so'".  If you heard several things, then you would give several 'hearing' sentences.  If you felt many things, then you would give many feeling sentences.

Every time I teach this, someone will ask "What if the feeling is more of an emotion?"  Share it. "I felt afraid", or "I felt excited", or "I felt horny" -all good.  "I felt you could have ___________" - not so good.

Do you see the distinction here?  

In the context of a scene, you might give feedback thusly:

"I felt tight restraints on my wrists"

"I felt cold"

"I heard heavy metal music"

"I heard the crack of the whip"

"I felt light strikes"

"I felt you behind me"

"I saw you leave the room"

"I tasted blood"

"I smelled body odor"

"I tasted your mouth on mine"

etc....

Observational language gives the person receiving feedback something extremely useful - a view into your experience.  Perhaps the person you played with thought the strikes were landing solidly and with a lot of force.  By saying "I felt light strikes", you are letting the person know that in your experience the strikes weren't heavy.  This is a lot less off-putting than hearing "You didn't hit me hard enough"....

And let me be clear - observational language in this context isn't entirely quantitative.  What constitutes body odor?  How cold is cold?  I'm aware of that, and you would be well-served to be aware of that, too.  

You might also notice that 'thinking' language is off the table in this model.  Thinking language might be something like "I thought you had body odor" - that's an evaluation disguised as an observation, and it is out of place here. It has a place elsewhere. I assure you.

Step 3 - let it be.  That means you offer feedback in a similar way as you might offer a dish at a potluck - put it out to be taken - or not.  Feedback is about you - it isn't about them - even if they asked for it.

NOTE:

I am making a specific and intentional distinction between giving feedback and evaluating something.  The two are so often conflated, but they are not synonyms in my world.  Feedback is simply stating one's experiences, from one's perspective, in a way that is observational.  Evaluation is about the editorial pieces - what you liked, what you didn't like, etc...

That said, evaluation, like feedback, is about the person giving it - not the person receiving it.  It's a way of getting a view into the inner critic within a person.  Oh, and just so we're clear here?  We all have an inner critic.

Presenters - when we get evaluations from students, we are learning about the people who attend our classes.  If you get consistent evaluations saying that you're difficult to hear, then guess what? You might just need to speak up.  If you get consistent evaluations that you aren't teaching, but are rather performing, then guess what?  You just may be. (FTR - performing is a highly effective way of being in front of a room.  I went into a fair level of detail about it here.)

 

Learning how to give feedback in the model I outlined here is a first and very important step in learning how to manage conflict - how to cultivate compassion in your communication - and how to ask for and get what you want.  Seriously. 

For now - today - I mostly want you to grok feedback as the expression of personal observations.  If you are interested in this, you might start practicing observing and sharing observations with someone.

"I saw you in a red sweater"

"I tasted vegetable curry"

"I tasted spicy-hot food"

etc...

Notice how sharing an experience in this way opens things up - keeps the person getting the data on the same side of the table as you, and illustrates what we all know and often forget "your perspective is true to your experience, but it isn't necessarily the Truth".

Keep an eye out for a future post on the evaluation piece I know so many of you are chomping at the bit to explore.

Intention v. Rules

I've been contemplating this post for a couple of months now.  Not because it's difficult in and of itself, but because the genesis of the awareness occurred through what can only be described as Total Failure.  

source: maniacworld.com

The short story is, I spent a little over a year exploring possibilities with a Dominant whom I admire and respect (to this day), and when we went into a deep, and somewhat consistent authority exchange, it all went KaBlooey - Thermonuclear Meltdown - Total Fail - 100% Fuct Dup.  

And it was neither of our faults.  And we were both right.  


Speaking for myself, I was quite surprised at how gloriously the failure failed - not because it did - that happens some times, but because we are both relatively self-aware, and we both had ample time to discover what I now believe to be the source of the failure.


We operate from opposite sides of the Authority Exchange Coin;  He from Rules and Me from Intent.  So that you may be saved from a similar fate, dear reader, I am dedicating this post to a short exploration of the differences between rules-based power dynamics and intention-based power dynamics. I have written a class on this, which you can see here. (The class on Models for Submission Service and Slavery), so if you'd like to have a longer discussion, then bring me to your event or group and I'm happy to share.

I tend to see the world in terms of the polarity of yin and yang, as discussed and explored through the practice of Taoism. What I like about the Tao, is the apparent opposites of yin and yang can be transcended into what is known as The Way - a place of no separation, non-dualism, and total awareness.  I also like that yin and yang are not static, nor are they absolute.


Here's a short primer on yin and yang

          Yin Is                            Yang Is
          hidden                           seen
          feminine                        masculine
          passive                          active
          submissive                     dominant
          intuitive                         knowing
          cold                               warm
          dark                              light
          moon                            sun


A thing is never one or the other - yin or yang.  How something (or someone) falls in the polarity is determined by context.  Consider your heart and your sternum (chest bone). In the context of Position, the Sternum is yang, because it is seen, and the heart is yin, because it is hidden (behind the sternum).  In the context of function, the sternum is yin, because it is still, while the heart is yang, because it moves constantly.

Power and Authority Dynamics can also mirror this, and I go into this in detail in my class, The Way of D/s, which you can see described here.  There will be some of you who will see a limitation in the polarity of yin and yang being a binary, but even in the context of the 4 seasons, there is tendency towards; fall tends towards the yin of winter, and spring tends towards the yang of summer; so it is that Taoist considerations will tend towards the two. 


Which brings me to this concept of intent and rules and the way that intent and rules can show up in authority dynamics.  I'm specifying authority here as "The Context in which procedures, protocols, activities and decisions occur".  


A rules-based authority dynamic might manifest with these traits

• specificity as to where the bottom stands/walks in relationship to the top
• specificity as to how the dishes are to be placed on the table
• specificity as to how the top wants his/her clothing cleaned
• the bottom having a finite list of things he/she is permitted when the top is absent
• the bottom having set times for things like email, reading for pleasure, and 'off the clock' activities
• the top giving discrete directions
• the top having little room for deviation from the directions
• words of caution such as 'don't get creative'
• SOPs

source: thesilentservice.net

    A rules-based authority 
    dynamic might be

• Hierarchical
• Alpha Slave
• Beta, etc.
• Military
• Victorian
• Written in a handbook
• Measured by quantitative means, such as
• number of times X
• amount of Y
• degree of N
• Leather (in the old guard sense of the term)
• Written in a Contract
• Seeking the execution of a working system
• Neat and orderly

In contrast, an intention-based authority dynamic is going to look, well, chaotic and disorganized.

An intent-based authority dynamic might manifest with these traits

• general guidelines for where the top wants the bottom (in eyesight)
• the bottom having a high degree of choice whether the top is present or absent
• the top waving his or her hand in the air and proclaiming 'make it so'
• the bottom having general guidelines for personal time/activities 
• the bottom having a great degree of freedom of speech
• few (or no) protocols
• high expectations for creativity on the part of the bottom

     

kneontransitt.blogspot.com

     An intent-based authority 
     dynamic might be

• Matrixed
• Collaborative
• Recorded in a Knowledge Base
• Measured by qualitative means
• How the partners perceive their happiness
• How satisfied the partners are
• How much joy both the top and bottom experience
• Communal
• Seeking the fulfillment of the individual

Which dynamic is yang, and which is yin?

If you said that a rules-based dynamic is yang and an intent-based dynamic is yin, we would be in agreement.  As contexts, rules-based dynamics are more rigid, more specific, and less mutable, while intent-based dynamics are more fluid, more general and highly mutable.

One isn't better than the other - or easier - or even more predictable.  However, if an intent-based person is negotiating with a rules-based person, there is a high probabilitiy that there will be misunderstandings.

A rules based person may agree to 'no water-boarding', and the intent-based person might take that to mean that 'the entire class of behaviors known as water-boarding are excluded from interactions', whereas the rules-based person may take that to mean 'i can't water-board you, but I could use gasoline, or soda'.


Both interpretations of the guideline are accurate unto themselves, but someone is going to be very surprised if they get a shit-ton of coke zero up their nostrils, aren't they?

My partner, P, puts it thusly:  "As any good gamer knows, a rules-lawyer, in a rule-based game, can always find a way around to get what they want, regardless of the rules, but with an intent-based understanding, there is a lot more fluidity, and yet, the walls that the fluid flows through are much more fixed.  The fluidity allows much more for "accidents happen" to be worked with, and forgiven, if their intent was not what actually occurred.  Under rules-based, on the other hand, a breach of the rules either has to be argued around, within the rules, or the rules were broken, and everything has to be called off."  


Do you see how P's description of the fixed walls in the intent-based context are, indeed, yang?  

To give you a little more to chew on, here are some other areas of life where intent and rules can show up...  and how they map 




                               RULES                            INTENT
Task Management    Getting Things Done        To-do lists
Art                             photo-realism                  surrealism
Cooking                     baking                            sauces
Music                         classical                          jazz
God                            religion                           spirituality
Legal                          letter of the law              intent of the law
Theater                      scripted                          improvised
Dance                         ballet                             lyrical
Health                       allopathic                        holistic


And even within the buckets, nothing is absolute.  If you're making bread, you absolutely need to be specific with the rising of the dough, but there is room for interpretation around adding flavors.  And if you're making chili, there's a lot of wiggle-room around flavors, but you very likely will follow the adage "you can always add more salt".


My lightbulb moment with the person who helped me learn this was when I asked "What is your intent?", and the answer was "To create a working system".  Had I inquired on that level at the beginning of our time together, I could have saved us both a lot of headache. 

In service,

Bendy

What I Learned from Collectives, Part 4

Wherein our intrepid writer considers the nuances of being Interested v. being Interesting (as a presenter) and panel discussions, and volunteers.

If you are just joining, may I suggest you start at the beginning?

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3


If you recall, when I first started writing this series, I wrote the following :  this is a "series of pontifications on the different relationships at events (producer-presenter, presenter-producer, presenter-attendee, attendee-presenter, producer-volunteer, etc..) and my opinions about ways to create harmony, good sportsmanship and happy events."

Please note that these are my opinions and that I'm writing from my own experience.  Your mileage may vary.


The Presenter-Attendee relationship and the subject of being interested v. being interesting:  


I invoked  Be Interested when writing about the Philosopher-presenter, and Be Interesting when writing about the Performer-presenter.  It's a distinction that has been tremendous in my personal growth as a teacher and public speaker, and it's something that isn't always shared among mentoring circles.

Part of it may be that, to do so, will make other presenters/teachers stronger and better and that creates competition.  Personally, I'm just fine with competition.  I want to be in and among groups of the most effective and dynamic presenters possible.  Everyone wins.  Especially the students, and at the end of the day:

It isn't about you, it's about them.

I repeat - as a presenter, regardless of the mode you are in, you are in service to those in your room. Period.  It matters not how dominant you are, or how in charge of things you are - the only reason you have a job is because there are people who are present.


If you're performing, then you need to be interesting - you need to capture attention, to be dynamic, and to hold that attention. That takes something interesting, and it's a mindset I see a lot of presenters take hold of.  


Here's the thing, though, and remember this is my opinion.  If you are doing anything other than performing/demo-ing, then you best be interested, and what I mean by that is this:


No matter how much material you have...
No matter how prepared you are...
No matter how much mastery you have over what it is that you're sharing...
No matter how many times you've presented in the past (or not)....


If you aren't paying attention to the people in your room and teaching to them specifically...
If you aren't ensuring that your students are with you at each milestone you've identified (you do have learning objectives, yes?)...
If you aren't more attached to the people in your room getting it than you are to delivering all of your material....
If you don't stop the thought pattern of 'I just need to get through these next N pages of notes...
If you are more concerned with your story about how you're supposed to be received than what's actually going on...

You will be mediocre at best

Forever


Unless you grow some humility and make it about them

Does this mean you become an automaton and stop thinking about your affect, voice, tempo and the like?  Of course not.  It does mean that you make decisions about changes to your work based on the people you are serving.

Another way of considering this is you must be willing to be anonymous - crazy as that sounds.  Offer up what you have, just as a server in a 5-star restaurant does, and hope that the morsels of food you share are consumed and enjoyed.  Ironically, if you do that, people will remember you for how amazing an experience they had and not for the bitch or asshole orator you might be otherwise. 

That's what I have to say about that :-)


On Panels as Education Vehicles
I'm on a lot of panels.  I've been a presenter at Arisia, which is a ginormous convention comprised solely of panels.  I've also been on panels in many other contexts.  Aside from that, I, along with the rest of the programming team for NELA, work to staff panels (and sit on a few) at the Fetish Fair Fleamarket.



I must confess that most of my perspective in this is less expert than that of teaching.  I do have enough to share some of what I've noticed work and not work.

What Works for Panels

• 5 speakers for a 90 - 120 minute slot
• A facilitator who actually knows how to facilitate
• A range of genders, ages, and perspectives
• A group of people who represent your audience
• Harmonious energy
• If you have 'big' energy in one person, you best have it in all
• If you have a soft talker, then have others who can draw them out
• People who understand that agreement isn't necessary
• People who can demonstrate mature disagreement
• People who already respect each other
• Some upfront work
• Asking the panelists what they want to cover
• The facilitator sharing any agenda s/he might have
• Having the panelists share with each other what is likely to 'set them off'
• Ground rules for the conversation
• Soliciting questions from your intended audience for any "Ask The Expert" topics, especially if the subject is potentially triggering, such as abuse v. consent
•  A topic that has specificity
• "Sexuality in the 20th Century" is somewhat broad, whereas "Technology and Sexuality in the 20th Century" is a bit more specific
• "Spirituality" is somewhat broad, whereas "Spirituality and BDSM" is a bit more specific
• A Topic That is Compelling
• People care about politics, spirituality, technology, social justice, identity, etc.
• People probably don't care as much about which way to have the toilet paper hanging (unless they are interior designers or something)
• A Topic that is Timely
• What's happening in your community that you can leverage?
• What's happening in the media that you can use?

What Doesn't Work for Panels

• The inverse of any of the above plus: 
• A Panelist who is someone like me
• Can easily bogart a conversation without meaning to
• Accustomed to being in front of rooms - and in charge of those rooms
• Whose energy is often bigger and more invasive than those around her
• Unless you have balance in others on the panel (which is possible)
• And/or you have that person moderate (which keeps him/er occupied)
• You are doomed if you have a panelist who is like me and not aware of it
• Doomed, I tell you
• 7 or more speakers
• Unless  it's the cast of Firefly (or equivalent)
• Giving every speaker a chance to answer every question
• Ineffective facilitation

Some Words on Volunteers and Events
Let's face it.  What we do - the events we run as kinksters - they wouldn't be possible without volunteers. 

It's the volunteers who are going to help registration at the event
It's volunteers who are going to help you stuff envelopes for presenters
Load in and load out your vendors
Collect feedback forms
Check wristbands
Refill water in the rooms
Take headcounts 
Tell presenters when they have 10 minutes left
etc... 

The Relationship of Producer - Volunteer

• Your volunteers are the only game in town
• Volunteers are a finite resource
• Volunteers are amazing promoters
• Volunteers are your commUNITY
• Volunteers are not 'free labor'
• You best be giving your volunteers something for their effort
• Some people feel that volunteering should be fun and treated as such
• Some people feel that volunteering is work and should be treated as such
• Figure out what kind of person you are, and when you do your negotiations with your volunteers, let them know
• Why? Because volunteers have the same tendencies, and if you're a work-based producer with a fun-based volunteer, you might have some challenges
• I'm a work-based producer, whereas my partner, P, is a fun-based producer.  We work well together because we can spread the effort
• To be clear - he does a lot of work and is committed to doing so, but he will look to find matches for people based on their appetites, whereas I will look to find matches for people based on their skills (which might not be their appetites)
• Both ways are valuable
• If you are asking your volunteers to do significant work (more than 6 hours over the course of 2 days), be reasonable about scheduling their blocks
• DO schedule someone for a chunk of time and then give them a bunch of time off (2 hours on)
• DO NOT schedule someone for an hour on, an hour off, ad nauseum.  They may not want to work for you again (this happened to a friend of mine at a major East Coast event a couple of years ago. She had a total of 12 hours of volunteer time which took something like 36 convention hours to complete, because they were so piecemeal. She wasn't able to attend even one full class - SUCK)
• If you are asking your volunteers to do significant work, have a good reason for it
• Less volunteer time to get comped into the event can often lead to more volunteers
• More volunteers means more bodies
• More bodies means more fallbacks
• More fallbacks mean less holes if someone isn't able to complete a task
• Never scream/holler/bitch at or otherwise yell at volunteers
• Ever
• If you are crabbypants and can't be polite, at least tell them that while you are trying to communicate
• The exception to this would be if a volunteer is doing something that could get your event shut down
• Or someone arrested
• Or is assulting someone
• etc..
• You get my drift?
• Treat volunteers as though they are doing important and valuable work, no matter what the work is that they are doing 
• You wouldn't have a working event without them
• Let your volunteers communicate constraints before you start assigning tasks
• Constraints come in multiple forms
• in time
• in physical abilities
• in preference for 'how public' they want to be
• in preference for with whom they want to work
• Yes, my friends, when couples volunteer, they like to have their hours together
• Why? because then they can enjoy the event together
• DUH
• Honor the constraints
• If the honoring of constraints impedes a volunteer's ability to meet minimum requirements, then negotiate
• On compensating volunteers
• comping the event is obvious
• a thank you note isn't so obvious but goes a long way
• Say "Thank You for helping"
• when they are working
• when you are walking through the event
• when they do something extraordinary
• when they look tired
• when you are tired
• And mean it
• give them something - doesn't have to be big - a token of appreciation
• you will spend less on the tokens than you would on paying for the labor

The Relationship of Volunteers - Producers

• In some very real ways, you have producers by the balls
• Don't be a dick about it
• Communicate your constraints as early in the process as possible
• when you can/can't work
• what you can't do physically
• who you want to be scheduled with
• You may not get exactly what you want
• Them's the breaks
• You deserve to get what you need
• Be clear about the differences between needs and wants
• If you commit to it,  do it
• Be on time for your shift
• Know that things might change at the con, because others aren't as responsible as you are
• Producers love loyalty
• Producers love responsiblity
• Producers love it when you are pleasant
• Producers need you to be sober
• And not on pot
• All of this makes the event run more smoothly, and at the end of the day, you are a part of whatever event it is for which you are giving your time
• Saying you will volunteer, coming to the event, getting your event comp, not honoring your commitments, and staying anyway makes you an asshat
• Are you an asshat?
• If so, then don't volunteer
• You will likely be banned from the event
• This will affect your standing in your community
• It's not good
• Ask friends to volunteer with you - it's fun!

  
 When you think about it, just about everything you need to know about working on and in a Con, you learned a long time ago.  Kindness will always be more effective than asshattery; if you consistently honor your word, you will be trusted; we are all amazing and incredible; each of us has something unique to share..

And what we value most doesn't have a price tag on it, because it is something you *know*, not something you *own*.

So get out there, gentle readers.  Get out there and share your wisdom, offer your services, receive your neighbors' good will, and have a hellofa great time!

In service,

Bendy