What I Learned from Collectives, Part 2

Part Two – What I learned from Collectives…

This is the second in a series of 3-4 Blog Posts sharing my opinions about what I’ve learned in regards to event planning and execution over the last many years.

I’m parsing information by relationship (Producer-Presenter, Presenter-Producer, Producer-Volunteer, etc…), and this post will focus solely on the relationships of Attendees-Presenters, Presenters-Attendees, and Attendees-Producers (Event)

For the purpose of this writing, I’m defining Attendees as: the individuals who pay to go to a con/event, either by purchasing tickets or by earning comp event passes via other means.

I feel honor bound to disclose some things about my background in regards to presenting

·      I’ve been teaching for decades

·      I have a professional background in curriculum design

·      I teach in myriad settings

·      I have a fairly decent level of aptitude in teaching to different learning styles

·      I am a professional public speaker

·      I have no anxiety about public speaking

·      I present at 2-3 BDSM/Sex Positive events a month

·      I attend classes just about daily, so I’m in student mode regularly

The Relationship of Attendees – Presenters

In my opinion and experience, the relationship between attendees and presenters is two two-fold.  The first fold is that of student - teacher, the second-fold is similar to fan – actor.

The relationship of Attendee-Presenter as student to teacher

·      Empty your cup

·      Presenters wouldn’t have a job without you there

·      It’s generally OK to be late, come in and out of a class, and the like, but do your best to do so respectfully

·      Some classes are specific about no late entries and no ins and outs. If you, like me, tend to wander at events, then maybe that isn’t the class for you.

o   Doesn’t make the presenter an asshole

o   Makes the class a poor match

·      Bring a notebook, ipad, netbook or some other means of recording your thoughts on ‘paper’ – not all presenters give handouts

·      Do not take audio or video recordings of classes

o   Even if you are sneaky and surreptitious about it – you will be found out and will be considered an extreme douchenozzle

·      Your orientation doesn’t suddenly change if you work with someone in a hands-on class who is on a spectrum you wouldn’t necessarily play with

·      Presenters are people – they come in many different shapes, styles, and with diverse backgrounds.

o   It’s very possible for someone to be a good or even great presenter and for you not to resonate with them – doesn’t mean they can’t present 

o   Just because you don’t grok one doesn’t mean that person can’t teach

o   Sometimes it does, however, so when you give your feedback on the class, be clear, concise and as compassionate as you are able

·      A class can flop and the presenter still be a good presenter

·      If you have a question, raise your hand and ask it!  Most presenters welcome questions

·      Most presenters I know look at demo bottoms and demo tops as integral, important and relevant aspects of their classes

o   That doesn’t make you play partners

o   Sorry

o   But it might J

·      So you think you can do it better?

·      Great!

·      Get out there and teach

·      Some words on class feedback

o   Answer the scale questions for sure

o   Add your written comments legibly

o   Producers who ask for written comments read them

o   If a presenter specifies that s/he is open to receiving feedback, gives a way to contact them, and then asks the class to do so – and you have something to say, say it!

The Relationship of Attendee – Presenter as fan – actor

·      Being at an event with a presenter a couple of times doesn’t make you their friend

·      Being introduced to a presenter doesn’t make you their friend

·      Demo bottoming for a presenter doesn’t make you their friend

·      Following a presenter on Twitter doesn’t make you their friend

·      What makes you a presenter’s friend is….  Wait for it – being their friend!  Since presenters are people, that will have different meanings

·      Most presenters I know welcome questions and conversations

o   That said, they may not be able to speak with you at the time you want

o   Ask for time first

·      Don’t interrupt a presenter while they are playing in the dungeon – whether they are topping or bottoming

o   Please

o   And thank you

·      If you’ve been introduced to a presenter a couple of times at events, and they don’t remember you the third time you meet, it’s not because the presenter is an asshole. 

o   It’s likely that the presenter is trying to place you in a very large stream of people, events, contexts, classes, etc…  

o   There are a lot more of you then there are of them

o   That’s Ok

·      Presenters like to know that their messages and teaching are getting through to people – if you appreciate something you’ve learned from one, and you can do so, let him/her know

·      You are not owed time/attention/conversation/play by presenters

·      You can get time/attention/conversation/play with presenters

The Relationship of Presenters – Attendees

In my opinion and experience, the relationship between presenters and attendees is two two-fold.  The first fold is that of teacher - student, the second-fold is similar to actor – fan.

Please note that, as a person who has a long history with pedagogical techniques, I may refer to some here, but the point of this post isn’t to actually give the how-to-s of pedagogy.  That, my friends, would require a series of workshops.

Presenter as Actor, Student as Fan

·      Be polite

·      Say please and thank you

·      People are watching you – so you need to be at least on good behavior

·      Sometimes people read your blog, or follow your twitter stream, and pay a lot of attention to it

·      Sometimes those people will ask you specific, personal questions

·      More often than not these people aren’t stalkers – they are just very interested in you

·      You aren’t better than anyone

·      Even the first-time attendee who doesn’t know who you are

·      It’s OK to say ‘I can’t talk right now’ to someone

·      If you contract to have the conversation at a later time, have it

·      You are doing something that, in some people’s eyes, is not only important, it’s something they would never do - doesn’t make you Madonna

·      It’s OK to tell someone that you don’t remember their name

·      Repeatedly

·      Really, it is

·      Shit, I have a friend who forgot her own husband’s name

·      Really

·      If someone interrupts your scene, politely tell them to ‘get the fuck out’

·      The attendee you meet today could be the producer who hires you tomorrow – treat everyone respectfully and as though they matter

·      Be interested

 The next post will explore several archetypes of Presenters in relationship to the art and science of teaching.  

What I learned from Collectives, Burningman, Rogue Raves, and The Fetish Fair Fleamarket

This is the first post in what will be a 3-4 part series of pontifications on the different relationships at events (producer-presenter, presenter-producer, presenter-attendee, attendee-presenter, producer-volunteer, etc..) and my opinions about ways to create harmony, good sportsmanship and happy events.

For those of you who don't know, I'm one of a handful of people who are the primary drivers of this little event, which attracts approximately 3000 people annually.  I say one of a handful or primary drivers in so far as there is a core group of 10-15 of us who manage everything from the relationship with the hotel, to booking presenters, to scheduling the hundreds of volunteers who make the event run, to bringing in vendors, to managing the finances, insurance, contracts, logistics, special events, etc.  The Fetish Fair Fleamarket (TM) is a major event.

Some time ago, while living in San Francisco, I was heavily involved in the modern psychedellic movement (from a spiritual, scientific and political perspective) as manifested through self-selecting arts collectives, such

source: www.sachavacay.org

as the CCC, Koinonea, Cloud Factory, and several other groups of folks who put on amazing parties, art shows, music concerts and performance art. I had a lot of fun working and playing with these folks, many of whom were also instrumental in the genesis of other movements, such as the EFF, Open Source Development, and Integral Spiritual Gatherings. I was there for much of it...  and not for some of it.  Happens that way, you know...

My point is that I have a bit of experience in grass-roots organizing, activism, event production, and collective process - which comes from shared interests (sex, art, consciousness) - and manifests in events which are produced by some, vended by others, educated by still another group, and attended by even more - and all or mostly accomplished by the good intentions and work of volunteers.

Currently, in the BDSM/Sex Positive Event/Con world, I'm a producer, a presenter, a project manager, a volunteer and an attendee - not entirely unheard of, but definitely somewhat of a unique perspective.  Here are some of the things I've seen work over the years....

This is highly editorial and 100% my opinion.  I welcome other thoughts, observations and sharing of what you have seen work.    Would be most excellent....

The Relationship of Producers to Presenters

Producers hire presenters to come and do their thing in exchange for presenters doing their thing

Considering that...

• You aren't the only game in town
• Think of your presenters as though they are integral to your event. 
• It's OK for the presenters/programming to be ancillary or secondary to the rest of your event
• Be honest about that
• Presenters can take it 
• No matter how big or small a name your presenter is, s/he is first and foremost doing something for you - so thank them all in the same way
• Thank You is not equal to Paying You
• It's OK if your compensation isn't equal across all presenters
• It's not OK to treat your presenters as though they come from different classes
• Ask your presenters for time constraints around when they can present - and honor them
• Communicate Communicate Communicate
• Tell presenters what classes you have selected as soon as you can
• Tell presenters what their schedule is as soon as you can
• Tell presenters what the whole schedule is as soon as you can
• Ask presenters for suggestions as to what kinds of classes their selections would go well with (believe it or not - presenters often have a perspective you don't)
• A little goes a long way
• Do what you can to personally thank each presenter at some point during the event
• Do what you can to meet their SOs
  
• If you have the manpower available, have some volunteers on hand to help out presenters with things like food runs, water bottle re-fills, and trips to Staples - you don't have to pay for it - just having the help is huge
  
• Give your presenters a personalized, visual representation of their event schedule when they get to the event - you can highlight their classes on your event grid, you can print out a separate page - whatever it is , they will thank you for it
• Have a Green Room for presenters and their SO's you've comped if you have the physical space for it
• Send a thank you after the event
• If you don't have your shit together to get your presenters their schedule by 3 weeks before the con (and the reason doesn't matter) - reach out to them anyway and tell them you are working on it.  That way, they will know you're considering them 
• "If I built it, they must know it" is not an axiom of truth when it comes to your presenters knowing your schedule
• Presenters aren't necessarily paying as much attention to your event as you are
• Make a mailing list for presenters so you can send out updates.  If you don't have a fancy-schmancy program like mailman, you can create a google group.   
• If you don't know how to create a google group, google it
• If you aren't able to provide travel from airports and bus stations to your host hotel or event location, tell presenters that and give options
• Provide Event Comps to your presenters' significant other/s - it costs you nothing
• If your presenter is in a poly dynamic and would like to bring 2 or more partners, comp them
• Most people won't take advantage of this - i promise
• Offer an Event Comp to your presenters for their demo bottom for the same reason
• Comping SOs and demo bottoms creates a context where your presenters feel cared for and also where they don't have to choose between people.
• Once the extra bodies are there, they will have more money to spend on hotel rooms (if necessary), vendors and the like
• They will also tell their friends how awesome you are as a producer
• If you can't comp room nights, tell your presenters that up front - and give them a reason
• We don't have the budget -if you are willing to discuss the details of your budget- is a legitimate reason
• We have a constraint on the number of room nights due to the way we negotiated the block -  is a legitimate reason
• Nobody is getting room nights comped - is a legitimate reason
• There are many many reasons that you might not be able to comp your presenters' room nights
• You aren't important enough (couched in whatever terms you couch it in) is not a legitimate reason
• We do't have the budget, when you are not willing to discuss the details of your budget, may come across as 'you aren't important enough'
• Ditto for Travel Costs
• Not comping travel will limit the number of out-of-town presenters more than not comping room nights
• I hope I don't need to explain why
• If you are working with someone who isn't quick on the update when it comes to getting back to your calls/emails, see if you can contract to work with a support person of theirs
• Put it in writing
• Know that most of the presenters you hire already know each other - at least by name
• Expect that your presenters will ask each other about compensation
• Understand that presenters knowing what their friends and colleagues are receiving in exchange for their services is not about you per se - it's most likely coming from a place of getting a baseline of 'where do I fit in'?

The Relationship of Presenter to Producers

You are there because someone hired you.

Considering that... 

• You aren't the only game in town 
• Think of yourself as integral to the event
• Just like you can't have a symphony of First Chairs, so is it that we all can't be Midori or Lee Harrington 
• Some presenters cost more to an event that you.  That Doesn't mean you aren't important or that the event doesn't care about you
• If you want to be at the level of top-tier presenters, Act As Though
• Learn pedagogical techniques
• Work on the craft and art of public speaking
• Practice teaching
• Be gracious to your hosts and thank them for inviting you
• Don't get pissy if you are asked to show a verifiable ID as you register
• Be clear with producers and communicate your needs
• Understand that you may not get everything you ask for
• Support other presenters by going to their classes, talking about their classes while you are teaching, and showing good sportsmanship
• Thank the producers for the opportunity to be at their event
• Show your face in the hallways
• In the dungeon
• During down-times
• Be available for questions
• Be respectful and kind when drawing boundaries with attendees
• Share in classes you attend, and remember that you are not the teacher in that moment - so share from a place of 'student-hood'
• If you are going to say 'no' to an event, be polite about it
• Know that the bridge you burn today will very likely affect the one you want to walk over tomorrow
• And the next day
• And the day after that
• Don't say anything about an event you wouldn't say to it
• Be prepared
• Be on time
• Thank the people who are in your class for coming to it - you wouldn't have a job without them
• Thank the event producers for inviting you to their event - you wouldn't have a job without them
• Remember that, for every detail of an event you need to keep straight, the people putting it on are keeping orders of magnitude more
• Calling producers 'unprofessional' won't magically make them work differently
• Realize that many events are working on deficits beyond money
• Deficits in technology
• Deficits in time
• Deficits in personnel
• Know that most producers are well-intended
• It's OK to say 'no' to a specific request once you've said 'yes' to an event, unless you have negotiated otherwise
• If you have 'deal or no-deal' requirements, let them be known
• In writing and
• By phone and
• In a singular email and
• NOT in the middle of your class list
• or in between your bio and your references
• And make sure the people who are agreeing to your requirements are in positions of authority to follow through
• Get it in writing 
• If you are asked to give references, make sure the people you are using know you are sharing their names
• People who ask for references tend to check references
• It's just like getting a job
• If your desire is to be a headliner at an event or even to teach enough classes to cover your costs plus that of your SO, it might take a year or two to get there
• You are building a relationship
• Are you willing to do the work?

Am I perfect in all of this?  Gods no - nobody is.

remember that

On Hidden Sacrifices

My posts often result in discourse and discussion by readers, which is most excellent.  The last one, which you can read here, includes the suggestion that, in a relationship (D/s or otherwise) people adopt the standard of exposing all sacrifices.  Another way of phrasing this is 'no hidden sacrifices'.

Folks had some interesting things to say about this concept, including the suggestion that one should never make a sacrifice and also that exposing sacrifices is passive-aggressive.  It got me to thinking - were my words less effective than they could have been?  Is it passive aggressive to hold an agreement where sacrifices (compromises, etc) are voiced? Should I never make a sacrifice?

It is not my desire to change minds or anything, but it *is* my hope that I can further flesh out this concept, that you, gentle reader, will have a better understanding of the agreement beyond what I wrote in my last post.



First thing's first.  What's a sacrifice?  In my world, a sacrifice is something that is given up in favor of, or as a result of, another thing.  


Example A:  my yoga practice.
Givens:

• My practice is 90 minutes long.  
• I often go to studios which are a 30 minute commute.
• This means a minimum commitment of 2.5 hours.
• When I add in another 30 minutes for traffic allowance and signing in, that 90 minute class now takes a full 3 hours to complete.  
• At least.

If I'm doing this in the evening, I will generally sacrifice cooking dinner in favor of going to class, as my time is limited - and simply hit a Whole Foods Salad Bar instead.  


Example B:  
Givens:

• P and I are at a party, having a grand old time.  
• I want to take said yoga class the next morning. 
• We are planning to leave the party together.
• I'm in an authority dynamic with P, and he can make the decision as to when we leave an event.  

At 11:30, I might say something like "P.  Remember that yoga class I want to take in the morning?  For me to get enough sleep, we would need to leave in the next 30 minutes".  

He might respond with "I want to stay longer".  

Now we are in a moment, P and I. No matter what time we leave, one of us is sacrificing.  

P might choose for us to stay at the party, knowing that I might not wake up in time to practice.  He knows that there are other classes.  

P might choose to leave the party, because he knows how much I enjoy the teacher I want to be with.  He knows there are other parties.




Knowing what the give and take is not only makes it easier for P to make the decision that is in his authority to make, it also creates the opportunities I suggested in my last post:  to acknowledge the sacrifice and/or to take a different path.




Acknowledgment:
The acknowledgment, for us at least, is fairly straightforward.  "If we do X, I'll be sacrificing Y".  or "I recognize you sacrificed Y".




Different Roads:
Taking a different path, in the above example, might mean that P stays and gets a ride home with someone else.  It might mean that I stay and take a later class the next day.  It might mean that P takes me home, tucks me into bed, and then heads back out to the party.




I'm trying to find passive-aggression in this, and I can't.  I think the reason for that is the exposure is not only assumed, it is a pre-agreed to context to which both of us have committed to adhere.



Let's say we don't have the 'no hidden sacrifices' agreement, and I stay late at the party, so he can socialize.  I then drag my ass to class the next day, or possibly don't go at all.  Maybe that happens once - no big deal.  But if it happens more than once, and if I have feelings around it - feelings of frustration, wanting to be seen, feeling disrespected, feeling...  like he's a selfish bastard, then what?  



Talk with enough bottoms, and you will come across one (or many) who feel like they give and give and give - and that they are not recognized for it.  Often (not always) what is given is hidden sacrifices.




Talk with enough tops, and you will find similar sentiments around providing for the people in their charge.  Yes - tops often have to chose one path over or instead of another...



Bring the sacrifices out in the open, acknowledge them, and release any resentment ; a lot of the fodder for angst not only disarmed - it is erased.   



A final word on the concept of 'either you can do something for someone or you can't'.  My world isn't that black and white.  The only time I would say to someone "I can't do that" is if the doing would take me out of integrity with another situation or person.  Otherwise, everything is negotiable - at least for me.

Does anyone else see the relationship between the concept of 'no hidden sacrifices' and that of 'limits' or 'boundaries?'

If Only Someone had told me...

I attended the Master/slave Conference over Labor Day Weekend.  One of the sessions in which I participated was a conversation facilitated by Vi Johnson, who is an incredible resource for our community, as she has a traveling library of kink; and you get to touch the old books! 

Vi opened the conversation with a question:  What do you wish someone had told you when you started out?  There were many answers given in the circle, but I can't share them here, as I agreed to keep the confidence of the space.

What I *can* do is share some of what I wish I had known.  It's highly probably that people did, indeed, tell me all of the following.  

The problem with hindsight is it comes from a place of greater growth than how we see and live in the moment.  But I just loves me my Mama Vi, so in honor of her wisdom and contributions to our Community, here are some tidbits I've picked up along the way...

Use Your Words

No matter how much you love someone - and how much they love you back, the vast majority of human beings are not mind readers.  Speak up, people!  

Work to Share Definitions of Your Words

What's 'sex' for one might not be sex for another.  Same with 'play', 'love', 'submission', 'dominance', 'dinner', 'fun', 'Relationship'.  In fact, rather than writing a contract, you might consider writing a dictionary together... 

Expose All Sacrifices

One of the shortest paths to resentment is the experience of not doing something for someone and having them ignore the sacrifice.  How does this work?  Quite simply: "I can give you a ride home.  It will mean that I can't go to class, though."  This gives the person you are with two opportunities.  The first is the opportunity to make another suggestion or request.  The second is the opportunity to thank you  and acknowledge the sacrifice.    And kids?  I'd suggest you consider this regardless of where you fall in your power dynamic. 

 

Know How You Work

Are you led by intention or by rules?  I'll write more on this in another post, but the jist of it is this:  do you subscribe more to the letter of the law or the intent of the law?  What I've found over the years, is that people who operate from differing frames can find themselves at odds with each other, particularly when mistakes are made.

 

Negotiate from a Position of Equality

In my opinion and experience, it matters not how dominant or submissive you are and wish to be.  When you are talking with someone about how you want your relationship (scene, service, D/s dynamic, romance, etc.) to look, do so as equals and THEN shift the power and authority dynamic. This is especially useful when you are in a new-er dynamic. 

Learn how to Give and Receive Feedback

Let me illuminate something for you.  Feedback is not the same as criticism.  Nor is it necessarily editorial. Feedback is simply stating your experience as it relates to you.   Look for a more fully fleshed out post about this in the near future.  For a quick explanation; "I feel afraid" is feedback. "You scare me" is not.  

Know your Why

Are you doing this to get off?  For personal growth?  To escape your boring marriage? Because you really want X to tie you up?  To have fun?  To experience what it's like to ...?  Knowing this will make it easier to use your words.

 

There IS a Right Way 

There. I said it.  YES, there's a right way to do what it is that we do.  Here's the catch, though - your right way isn't the only right way.  Please remember that, 'mkay?

I leave you with a question - do you see how all of the above concepts work unilaterally - across all relationship structures?  

At the core, being able to relate really has to do with self-actualization, maturity, and response-ability.