Who IS a Leather Leader?

So the whole Leather Leadership thing has been 'up' since I attended the Leather Leadership Conference in Los Angeles a couple of weeks ago.  You can see my previous post about it here.  There has been spirited discourse on the LLC in the Leather Leadership Forum on Fetlife. 

Some of the suggestions - that the LLC has such a specific market that it would only ever attract a couple hundred people - that the charter's requirement on the number of classes means that there will always be a domination of presenters - that it wouldn't be feasible to have a national conference compensate presenters without having them pay full boat - got me thinking.

Who is a Leather Leader?  and how could a national conference attract enough participants to create enough revenue to compensate presenters?

I have some ideas on the second question, but they are really formed from some of my thoughts on the first, so this post will be about the Who?

The majority of the Who currently is, as I can see it (and I'm not criticizing anybody for this), gay men. One of the takeaways I had from the LLC is that my heritage and orientation mean I'm not Leather, because I don't have a background in 'leather' specifically.  I'm a heterosexual woman who is an educator and producer in the realm of BDSM, and I have a propensity of wearing yoga clothing.  Nobody has given me 'leathers' in the 25+ years I've been actively exploring kink.

'Leadership', as I understand it to be currently exhibited at LLC also equals gay men (and some of us not-gay people) who are in specific positions of power and authority in our communities.  We are the producers of events, sit on Boards of Directors, present at the National Level, form and run activist groups in our own communities, etc. etc.

Equating Leather and Leadership with the above definitions is akin to someone saying to me about teaching yoga: "You can only come to this conference if you've been teaching for a minimum of 10 years, with at least 5000 hours of specific work, have written a book and are currently teaching other teachers."  Um hello - if that was the case, this conference, which can be found in several major markets throughout the year, could itself only attract a couple hundred people annually - and wouldn't be making money (oh, right, I'm keeping the financials for a later post).

Why be so narrow in perspective?  What's the hesitation to say something like "Are you in a marginalized group of people because of how and who you love? Want to do something about it?  We are a place where you can go to learn about the history of our sub-culture, have conversations with people who are in more public positions in communities all over the country, and discourse on the very nature of leadership".  Come to our event and learn about things like: 

• participating in community activism at many levels
• what kind of leader you are (especially if you don't want to be a big mucky-muck)
• ways to improve yourself as a presenter and educator
• how social networking is changing the face of our community
• what people your age, TNG-ers, are doing in communities
• conflict resolution techniques you can use anywhere
• and more!

Don't think this is for you, well, then come to our website and see how broad we really are!" (The LLC website is currently dominated in people wearing leather,  guys, and of a somewhat mature age - I don't see any of myself there).

 

From the LLC Website : "The Leather Leadership Conference (LLC) is an organization dedicated to strengthening the Leather/BDSM/Kink/Fetish community through the development of the leadership skills of community members and fostering a greater sense of connection between and within community groups."

In my 'Market' of New England, there are myriad groups doing good work for LGBT, Poly and Transfolk with direct and indirect ties to the Kink Community.  Some (but not all) include:  MOB, NELA, NEDS, BTNG, MPX, MAsT Mass, The Society, Bay State Mauraders, The Western Mass Power Exchange, VASE, The Network La Red, The History Project, Mass Equality, The Bisexual Resource Center, Fenway Health, Transcending Boundaries, and many, many more. Try doing a Google search on LGBT (your city or metropolitan area) and see what you come up with.  Try again with BDSM (your city or metropolitan area), etc.   Now check out Fetlife and see what you can come up with.

Could increasing the attractiveness of this conference be as simple as following the charter and redesigning the website?

Leather Leadership Conference XV

I just returned from the Leather Leadership Conference in Los Angeles, where I taught Compassionate Communication, Teaching to Different Learning Styles, and Models for Decision-Making.   

I was able to attend the weekend, thanks to a very generous grant from the New England Leather Alliance, which is my primary volunteer focus.  I'm the Speaker Liaison for NELA and one of the main producers of the Fetish Fair Fleamarket.  I love working with these people!  The National Board of the LLC gave me a scholarship for the cost of the event, too.


I met and re-connected with some amazing people, including the powerful and dynamic Master Zeus , folks from The Society of Janus, Arizona Power Exchange, ALSPEC, Kink Academy, people from the Master Slave Conference and many, many more.  It was my great honor and privilege to be in the company of such incredible activists and organizers. Some of the classes I attended were quite useful, and I received positive feedback on the ones I offered.

As a whole, however, the weekend left a confused taste in my  mouth.  Some of what I learned about leadership this weekend was...  interesting.  

I'm not suggesting this was the intended meaning of any set of actions or words.  Rather, this is what was communicated to me.

1. Speak ill of and name-call people with whom I've worked with in the past, when giving a talk on 'passing the torch without burning down the house'.
2. Teaching is a synonym for monologue.  
3. Don't accept questions from participants.
4. If a participant does ask a question, be sure to say something about 'getting back on track' once that question is answered.
5. Because shame is an effective teaching tool.
6. If someone is speaking quietly while I'm teaching, I should say something loudly to them about how 'this is a monologue'.
7. Especially if they are also educators.
8. I can say anything to anyone, as long as there is a smile on my face. 
9. Be sure to call-out the seasoned presenter/s in my room.
10. Repeatedly.
11. Key-note speeches are an excellent platform for calling out the people who are hosting me.
12. Key-note speeches are an excellent platform for insulting the people who have paid money to attend my event.
13. Key-note speeches are an excellent platform to air personal grievances, as long as I language them in terms that are impersonal.
14. It makes my message more clear.
15. If I'm going to make a video about a diverse group of people and show it to them, I should use that as an opportunity to "teach" the heterosexuals in my audience what it's like to be marginalized.
16. "Our Community" is best illustrated via gay male porn.
17. National Conferences which move from location to location each year are a means to serve local communities.  
18. Attendees don't matter.
19. At all.
20. Be out of contact with presenters about their schedule, until 2-3 days prior to the event.  
21. As a presenter, I better make it worth the money of the folks who attend an event. (or else). 
22. Everything I do as a presenter can just as easily be transmitted via webinar.  
23. It's humble to tell people how humble I am. 
24. Repeatedly.
25. Program books do not need to be legible.
26. Presenters who are teaching multiple classes should have those classes scheduled back to back.
27. The information design of my schedule grid doesn't matter.
28. Leather Leadership is about gay men.
29. My thoughtful and difficult decision to use a scene name makes me a coward.

Yes, my friends.  These are just a few take-aways of my weekend at LLC.  

Again, I'm not suggesting this was the intended meaning of any set of actions or words.  Rather, this is what was communicated to me.  I recognize that my Bendy filter may have misconstrued some of what I experienced.

As an activist, organizer and producer, I am hungry for ways and means to meet, learn from and network with other people who are doing similar work.  I appreciate that conferences like LLC exist at all, because there isn't any focus on play - it's very much just about Leadership.

I'm keeping my mind open that next year will shift a bit.   

April's Fool

Last night I had a conversation with a friend – a Dominant towards whom I feel genuine submission - an individual to whom I’ve offered service.  Someone I play with.  Someone I Trust.  I was having a problem.  What the problem is isn’t relevant here, but the ‘punch line’ of the conversation is.

“You were having a problem, but you didn’t tell me.” – his words to me.

Ouch.  The man was quite accurate.  I’ve been watching behaviors and deducing meaning from them without asking or talking to him about it.  I’ve been thinking a door wasn’t open (which was).  I’ve misinterpreted requests for service.  I’ve misunderstood intent and meaning.

And almost all of this has been going on in my head.

Where I thought I was opening a door to play and D/s interaction, he was waiting for me to actually say something.  Say something?  Me?  Use my words?  Where I thought he wasn’t interested in playing with me, he was wondering why I didn’t ask.  Me?  Use my words? 

Yes, that.  I’ve been so strongly in my feminine – waiting for the approach – that I haven’t even bothered to ask him to play, or see if he might need service, or even so much as ask ‘how are you doing?’ for some time now.

I’m reported to be an ‘expert’ on such things as communication and relationships, right?  Well, I got a big-ass dose of humble pie last night, I did!  Mind you – this is a two-way communication fail, but I’m writing about my process here, and why I’m an April Fool.

So why am I a fool?  I had expectations that I never communicated – or gave him the opportunity to fulfill.  What I did was sit in my thoughts, working my way through a maze of possibilities and perplexities without communicating how I was feeling – or what I want.  I was having a relationship with him, yes.  But not with him – with my thoughts about him.
People would tell me they can see attraction and interest, and I was so wedded to my little story-line I had going on in my head, I couldn’t hear any of it.

Feel familiar?  Have you ever been so wedded to your story about something or someone, that you couldn’t see beyond the borders of your own thoughts?  It’s a prison we all live in at some points in our lives, and I’ve been holding myself there for months around this individual.

So why did I do this?  Fear of rejection?  No.  

But fear?  Most definitely.  What I’m afraid of, really, is quite the opposite: of stepping into an unknown – exploring D/s with more than one person –and not because there’s an opportunity to serve (I have many of those), but rather because he’s one of the people I’m interested in exploring this with.

When I teach, I often speak about the power of vulnerability and how much strength it takes to stand, naked, available and open.  It’s so easy to hide behind all sorts of things – porn, exhibitionism, other relationships, the roles we embody, and convenience, but to stand in truth – now that takes real courage.

See, if I’m vulnerable, then I can really be hurt.  It’s easy to take a punch to the thigh, or be choked out, or suspended by my ankle.  It’s nothing to have staples in my vulva, or superglue in my nostrils, or be water boarded.  But to be seen for my strengths and weaknesses – to be exposed as not nearly as self-aware as I believe myself to be at times – to be free from the ties that bind me through the simple act of following an order – and to be used physically for another’s pleasure – one towards whom I submit in my heart?

That, my friends, takes love.  I am of the opinion that there are two driving forces of human emotion  - love and fear.  I was living in fear, rather than standing in love (agape).  

So this fool is taking off the cloak of fear and standing, naked, in love.