Monday, September 2, 2013

A Him-Shaped Space

You know how the story goes:

Girl attends a convention a couple of times – catches the eye of a sexy Him.  He catches hers back. Flirtation happens. He asks for a play date.  She gets permission from her owner and is OMGSoExcitedICanHardlyStandIt!!!!!

For months.

Play happens. A lot of play, and a lot of being together.  He even helps her in one of the workshops she’s teaching, and it’s magic.

The weekend completes and they both ride off into the sunset, going to their respective corners of the universe, complete with the time and space they shared. 

Simple, right?


This is most decidedly not how the story ended up being written, as you might imagine.

A good friend of mine asked at one point during the weekend “is this love? Are you starting something significant?”

“This is us having a great time for this weekend.  He’s made it clear he doesn’t have room in His life for another Relationship.  I’m 100% on board with the constraint.” 

Eventually both of us acknowledged that there was some sort of capitol “R” relationship-feeling thing between us.

We had fallen in love.

I later found myself in a context where I could see Him more than once or twice a year, and I did. The dates were hot and amazing and juicy and exciting, and I thought: “maybe some day there will be room at His table for me”. 

It was a good thought that brought upon good feelings.

Fast forward a bit, and as the Fates would allow, the complexities of poly dynamics (we both had several lines we were managing) came to a point where a choice was made.

He opted out.

Some months later, I saw Him at a friend’s birthday party and was very aware of my continued feelings of love for Him, and I had the thought “I wonder if He’ll call”.

Early the next morning I had a dream. In my dream He and I were talking. 

I remember Him saying, “You love me like you need to have at least one date night a week with me”

In my dream I declared, “I love you like if something happens to you, I’ll die”.

In that moment, I awoke to find myself making a motion as though pulling some thing from my heart (as one might pull a plug out of the bathtub drain) and sitting upright.

What followed was an outpouring of such profound love and devotion, I sobbed for hours.   

You know the kind of cry I’m referencing – the kind where you need to get a bath towel for all of the tears streaming from your eyes and the snot streaming from your nose, it’s coming out so fast and strong.

It was the kind of moment that leaves a space.

There’s a Him-shaped space in my heart now

An Invitation:
The following lines are from a highly influential piece called The Invitiation, written by Oriah, Mountain Dreamer:

I want to know
 if you have touched
 the centre of your own sorrow; 
if you have been opened 
by life’s betrayals
 or have become shrivelled and closed 
from fear of further pain.
I want to know 
if you can sit with pain
, mine or your own
, without moving to hide it 
or fade it
 or fix it.”

There are days and times when the sorrow and sad that sometimes accompanies the feelings of love I have for Him beckon me to fill the Him-shaped Space with any number of feelings:  hate, anger, resentment, etc…. 

Sometimes I think ‘I’ll just sew this up, and then it can heal’.

Here’s the thing, though.  My commitment is to live in love, for me love is about opening – it’s expansive.  Allowing for the Him-shaped space keeps my heart open and increases my capacity to show and share loving feelings.

So here’s my invitation to you, gentle reader.  The next time someone leaves a them-shaped space, be with it and let it be.



  1. Wow. I just met you at FF. Read your blog. Sent you an email about how I "got it" about growing small. Then was looking at Roughs blog, and stumbled across this writing. Again, this speaks to me HUGELY of where I am right now. Thank you for writing. Somehow, the "openness of my heart" right now, is a little bit more bearable because someone else out there in this big wide universe, gets it too. Thank you.