Well, it's been a while, eh? Between the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, hosing my laptop, and all of the teaching I'm doing, things have been extremely busy....
This is the final part in the three-part series on my shift from monogamy to poly in my relationships. The first part is here, and the second is here. So where was I? Oh yes... mindfulness. If you recall part one, I wrote about the concept of core pillars and how my perception that I had a core pillar around monogamy was erroneous - that what I need is security. Add mindfulness and personal power to security and what I come up with is the fact that my experience of security in a relationship is my responsibility - not someone else's. Clearly a person who lies to me, doesn't honor agreements and is a douchenozzle in my general direction is a person with whom I will choose not to be involved, and I'm currently in a context where I'm seeing multiple people, and it's going to be this way for the foreseeable future.
I'm not currently identifying as poly, although people frequently label me as such. Honestly, I don't currently have a sense of identity around mono/poly. This says to me that mono/poly isn't a core pillar of mine - that it's more a mode of behavior. I've dropped the story (fiction) about how I'm mono for a set of behaviors (function).
I'm sure some of you are dying to know about all of the hot, juicy people with whom I'm involved. Well, I'm not going to go into that right now. What I will say is I have varied levels of emotional and physical intimacy with several people right now, and it's working for me. I don't have a full time D/s relationship right now, and while I miss having Dominance in my life, it's the right thing for me. Were a delightfully Dominant masculine entity to cross paths with me, and we were to both be interested in exploring, I'm open... there aren't any candidates at this time (at least not any of whom I'm aware).
While I don't identify as poly, I did have an interesting awareness recently. I had a new-ish partner over for a weekend, and by chance two of my other partners (a Partner and a play partner) were around.... they all got to meet the new-ish partner. He made a comment we need to discuss, which was, in effect, "we have an open relationship. You can go do whatever you want with Bob and John (names changed to protect the guilty). I don't want to hear about any of it".
This gave me pause, and might actually be a deal-breaker for me. See, Bob and John are part of my life (as are others), and what I have with them isn't only play or sex... I have friendship, emotional intimacy, etc. Bob and I maintain ongoing communication about all sorts of things - teaching, activism, art, producing, etc., and we are on the phone regularly having these communications. I don't know how to erase that from my interactions with the new-ish partner, as Bob is so much a part of my life. And frankly, I'm not sure I *want* to. I mean, sure... I get not wanting to know the details of how we fuck, but not wanting to know about such an important relationship?
Feels disingenuous to me.
Last night I was speaking with a very close friend about the new-ish guy's request for silence, and he shared with me that parts of the poly community operate this way - that there's a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I have a big thing about transparency. It's one of the ways I experience security... So I'm in a bit of a quandary. While I don't go into detail about the private aspects of my relationship, I *do* share that we are friends and it's pretty obvious we get along.
Why would I not share about my friend Bob just as I would share about my friends Kat or Kyle? I might mention an insight I had in conversation or the fact that I was with someone last weekend socially, and I'm not sure how to censor myself at that level, or even if doing so is ultimately good for me.
Clearly I need to speak with the new-ish guy to ensure I understand where his boundaries lie, and also so I can honor them, as long as doing so doesn't take me out of my own integrity.
So yeah.. clearly I'm behaviorally poly with identity around how I relate. So far, so good. I might end up mono again - probably not, but it's possible. Why probably not?
I'm not willing to let go of some of the folks in my life for anyone else.