I don't have that ONE anchor - a Primary, I suppose one might call it in a poly sense of the term. This is by choice, of course, and I know it's not going to be forever, and yet, in the last couple of weeks I've:
- noticed submissive thoughts towards my GPS
- called a platonic friend "sir" when he suggested I not lose P
- started calling @RiggerJay my Marketing Top (we don't have a power dynamic)
- been dreaming about Dominant Men I know - in ways I don't normally dream
- started plotting out all of the 'teacher trainings' i'm going to do (this is a way for me to follow directions)
- Shit -i've already BEEN to two teacher trainings - who am I trying to kid?
I'm feeling a little lost. OK - a lot lost....... not in a bad way; rather in a 'now what?' kind of way. I know where my center is. I'm on walkabout in a very real sense: circumambulating my life, and it's delicious - and huge and a bit frightening.
I have no issue at all with the concept of being largely solo, having friends with whom I can share experiences - and feel submissive towards - from whom I would gladly accept dominance, masculinity and sadism.
I'm also OK with being 'on my own' from a practical standpoint - working, ensuring I eat healthy food (except this weekend, when I proved once again that I need to spend actual time prepping food for travel or I will eat crap), exercising, keeping myself groomed.. You know - the day to day stuff.
I feel like I did when I finished graduate school; I had skills, a degree from a very good institution, had been working since I was 14, a solid relationship with both families (birth and chosen), and no fucking clue what to do or how to do it.
I remember talking with my father at the time - about how it felt like I was in a second adolescence - that somehow staying in school until I was 23 didn't really prepare me for life. I remember talking with my mother at the time - about how I felt like I was in the middle of a sphere of possibilities, and I was so afraid to take a step - that it would lead me down a path of wrongness...
I remember saying to both of my parents that I was afraid to look at my self really, because I was afraid I wouldn't like what I found.
Then I found a Writer - actually he found me. We met in a Walgreens; introduced by a roommate of mine. One look and I was his. After over 10 years of being in Relationship with domineering asshats, I had met a Dominant Man of Integrity and Honor... and everything shifted.
I had an anchor - a point of certainty from which I could waffle, float, move, explore and play. R introduced me to Midori and Michael Manning (although I'm certain they don't remember it) - and watching the two of them interact showed me a depth of energetic connection I hadn't experienced. R took me to my first orgy, hosted by some author named Carol. She had some book project about exhibitionism or something... I don't know. I DO know It was the first time I saw a woman squirt - and a man sit on a traffic cone (or similar).
R helped me to understand that my core tendencies weren't wrong or weak -that they are strong and amazing. We were together long enough for me to learn that all of the things about me I was afraid to look at are beautiful and amazing and electric and attractive.
I don't know that I've ever told him that...
And here I am now, having been in relationship with Men of Honor for the last 15+ years, and I'm lost and confused.
And you know what?
No. It's not OK. It's fucking fantastic.
I know that I can anchor - I just need to find the right port.
So here's to being lost and confused - to having subicidal tendencies in unusual directions - to new friends and lovers - to re-framing existing relationships - and to all of us who live to serve from our core.