I've been going back and forth for a bit as to whether/how to write about my current affairs. Now that I've had conversations with the most important people in my life - P, my Bio family, my Leather family, and a good Friend with whom I share a power dynamic and play, I figure I'll put this out here, as someone will most definitely benefit from some of the awarenesses I've had over the last 6 months or so.
I have been in deep 24/7 D/s dynamics for much of my adult life. The last five years or so have been non-stop. First with Griffin, with whom I co-founded the MAsT chapter here in MA, and then just about immediately with P, to whom I've been in service 2-ish years. P and I both sit on the board of the New England Leather Alliance, we run programming for the Fetish Flea, we present at events monthly, and there's the day to day stuff, like keeping him clean and watered.
Over the summer, I posted something about Being Bendy, which was catalyzed by me having a meltdown over all of the long-distance driving I was doing. I was frazzled, fatigued, etc. Here we are, 4 months later, and what's become clear to me is that I need to be on my own for a bit.
Backing up here, (and my need for sex in my Relationships aside) I have a metric ton of decisions to make in the next year or so:
- Go back to school for another graduate degree?
- is it a Social Work thing?
- a Sociology/Psychology thing?
- do I stay in Massachusetts to do so?
- Move back to San Francisco?
- How would I establish my business there when it's taken 8 years to get on my feet here in MA?
- Is my message as unique on the Left Coast as it is in New England and the Northeast?
- Do I Combine my mundane work and my Bendy work?
- if so, how?
- is this where the books and DVDs come in?
- will Bendy have to teach less about D/s and more about spirituality for K to get away with it
- I want to work more with people with dual diagnoses - a lot more
- and addicts
- and transfolk who are working through body stuff
- I want to speak professionally more - in vanilla contexts
- i need to learn how to grow this business
- I'm considering returning to Corporate in a training capacity
- am I even marketable at this point? Who would hire me?
- I took massive financial hits in 2007-09 from which I am still recovering - I've been correcting for the last couple of years, and now it's time to get all the way to the top.
I miss having time to myself - for myself, and you know what? I need it. Not just a day a month - I need significant (for whatever value of significant) time with me to work on me and to become a better me
Only then will I be fit to serve another in a 24/7 long-term capacity
You might be thinking something to yourself like, "But Bendy - decisions like these are what good Dominants like P can help with". Perhaps. These kinds of decisions are also ones that good therapists, coaches, mentors, and business consultants can help with.
See - I'm positive the path I walk will bring me Home (to me). I personally believe I need to be there FIRST in order to offer any kind of authentic service to another.
So yes, I will maintain existing friendships and even a couple of more-than-friends with whom I share elements of D/s. Yes, I will attend and present at events - with P. Yes, I will continue to have Yoga for Kinksters classes in Boston, and I will happily remain on the board of NELA.
And I will serve.
I will serve my students. I will continue to be an open ear and warm place for them to confess their dreams and desires. I will demonstrate to the people I serve compassion, acceptance, and safety.
I will serve my Parents, who have given me so much. I will help my mother have a place to vent about my father's health. I will give my Father a place to vent about his health. And anything else they may need that I can give.
I will serve my Community, via my work with NELA and other area groups. I will serve by teaching. I will serve by writing. I will serve by being a person folks can come to with questions.
Where I will NOT be serving is in a 24/7 D/s service-oriented Relationship with P. I am flying solo, kiddies. And while I know it pains him, as he'd prefer to have me, I know this is what I need to do for myself. He is man enough to let me walk on my own, knowing that I will return if it's right for me. I hope he doesn't sit still too long - he *does* enjoy life, ya know!
We are talking almost daily. We still very much love each other, and we are being adults about this.
I welcome you to do the same.
Why now? If you must know, the only One to whom I fully Submit is The Committee (my guides), and this is what they are telling me to do. I'm happy to tell you about them if you ask directly.
Someone had the audacity to suggest that these actions I'm taking are selfish - that I shouldn't take time to work on me, because it puts my needs in front of others.
To this I call bullshit. YES I am doing some conscious time focusing on my own shit. YES I will be spending this time outside of the context of a Primary 24/7 Relationship (I *will* still have relationships). YES I am making decisions about my Work and Life on my own.
Being selfish means doing things and NOT caring for others. The season I'm in , friends, is taking actions in order to care for others. Doms aren't the only people I serve, thankyouverymuch.
I leave you with a quote that ended up on my 2012 Vision Board (this is what I did on NYE). "You can tell the depth of a person's enlightenment by the breath of their service to others". Well, I'm including myself in "others" for the next year or so.
May 2012 bring you everything you dream, for your highest and greatest good!