I was speaking with a friend recently. We were discussing some feelings of frustration I have in one of my relationships. The Relationship part of the relationship works for the most part, but there isn't sex. I want sex.
Sex as in cock in my pussy - making out - feeling physically dominated while being penetrated - make me cum - full-on fucking.
He said to me something to the effect of "Yes, but sex is easy to get ; a good Relationship is harder to come by," and it started me down a path of verbalizing something to him I hadn't fully verbalized before... something that I don't hear verbalized about sex in our community often... something I'm writing to share with you, gentle reader.
A little background here. I've been around many blocks many times. I've participated in orgies, been filmed while engaging in sexual acts, enjoy what many people outside of our community would consider extreme acts, etc. and yet, I don't really have all that much sex.
I'm an attractive, articulate, intelligent woman with a great rack and a shapely ass. I'm well aware that I can get laid - that I could easily find someone to fuck if I wanted (which I do) more sex in my life.
The thing of it is, for me... for where I am right now, sex isn't about physical release. That's what solo Hitachi rides are for. Sure, there are times when I'm with a partner and want to get off - and enjoy getting off.
For me, sex is a way to share my caring and loving feelings with someone. It's a way for me to relax into my feminine and to open to someone's masculinity. Sex is a way for me to build a connection - to work on deepening that connection - and to have a kind of intimacy I don't experience in SM play, platonic interactions, etc..
I'm picky. Very picky. I tend to know a person in several contexts before I even consider playing with them - much less fucking them. I like to see that person interact with people in service positions (as a submissive masochist, it's helpful to see if a potential partner is an asshat to waitstaff). I like to share a meal with a person. I like to watch that person interact with other partners - is s/he kind and loving, aloof and distant, respectful?
I need to believe that the person I'm fucking is at least as smart as I - preferably more so - and they have to have some sort of creative aspect to themselves that they cultivate consciously.
I'm not generally attracted to a person because of the size of their cock.. or the fact that they shoot porn.. or even if they are the cutest Dom ever. I'm generally attracted to a person because I see them as a person - and I move forward with people who see me as a person.
I need there to be a Relationship in order to feel relaxed and comfortable enough for there to be sex.
That excludes a lot of folks, who interpret my use of Relationship to mean 'girlfriend' or 'full-time submissive' or 'primary', and I'm OK with that. Of the sex I *do* have, the Relationships look far more like close acquaintances to very good friends... This also excludes a lot of folks who don't share my perspective; people looking for anonymous encounters are not likely to take time to get to know me. I'm OK with that, too.
But does it make me a prude, as someone recently suggested? I don't believe so. All of this certainly does NOT make me a slut.
I have friends who are beautiful and amazing sluts. Seriously. Guys and gals who share their bodies freely within the boundaries as they define them to be. Friends who get all excited to fuck the porn star they've met - or who want to be tied by as many rockstars as they can. Friends who enjoy 'fucks without dynamics'. Friends who make being a slut look and feel like art to me.
I use friend as in - people I know personally, who know my real name, with whom I spend social time - and with whom I have connections outside of the dungeon - actual friends.
I have occasionally considered adopting some of the slut behavior. I'd certainly get laid more often. Thing is - I'm never so hungry as to move away from the Who of me. I'm not suggesting sluts are hungry - only that I would really need to be starving in some way to behave like that. I'm also not suggesting that sluts don't experience the kinds of connection I'm talking about with my personal relationship to sex... only that the way I experience it is more "exclusive" (as a former partner put it).
He was unhappy with the number of people who have Permission and his plans to have me used by his friends. Oh well...
If he had bothered to learn enough about me, he would have found out that I'm a total slut - once I come into the space of "yes" to sex with a person.
Maybe I should call myself "The exclusive slut"... Yeah - that has a nice ring to it.