My Bendyogagirl persona was born about two years ago now. Very much an authentic aspect of my Self, Bendy is an activist, a producer, an organizer, a presenter, a demo bottom, a facilitator, and teacher. As Bendy, I get around a lot. This is in addition to my work as a public speaker, writer, teacher and healer in my vanilla life. If it's not obvious at this point - that's a shit-ton of doing, and a great deal of the doing of my life is serving. This is, of course, before one might even consider the two people with whom I am in service-based relationships. My 24/7 ongoing partnership with P is highly based in service. A lot of community service as Bendy, body care, calendar maintenance, communication, laundry, etc.
Why is this important right now? Well, I lost my shit in P's specific direction on Sunday. As in, fully and completely yelling, name-calling, and fighting unfair. Really unfair. We had traveled 4+hours one way several weekends in a row, with my doing 90% of the driving. My commitments to these events, aside from supporting P to the best of my ability, were teaching, demo bottoming, and networking, and I just didn't have anything left.
The way I see things as they relate to me as a person, there is only one consideration - the interplay and balance (or lack thereof) of doing and being.
I'd been so heavily focused on Self as human doing, I lost touch with Self as human being. This may seem ironic, considering the fact that so much of my work is based in body/mind disciplines, but facilitating is doing - teaching is doing - serving is doing - practicing is?
Yup - doing.
My realization on Sunday was that there isn't space for the being of me - to manifest creatively, to learn, to be supported - and fully receive support.
Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and took immediate action. I've taken the week largely for myself. I'll be spending this weekend with some of my favorite yoga peeps, learning a new form of communication (very excited about that), and I'm taking a hard, long look at my calendar.
You can expect less teaching and demo-bottoming at a single event from me - and also expect to see me at events not teaching - but rather being. I'm looking forward to attending the Ms/C and The Geeky Kink Event as an attendee. I'll be culling some of the hours I give in service to NELA by bringing in more support for Programming - very excited about that. I will be able to relax (which is a form of being), knowing that details are being handled by amazing and dedicated people.
I've doubled my corporate rates, and have already booked a couple of workshops at that new rate, so I look forward to being able to earn more for my public speaking while doing it less.
I've taken on some new private clients, so now I'll be able to drop some of my public classes, which often result in a lot of commuting and extra time doing administrative things for other people's businesses.
I've already made some dates with girlfriends to enjoy things like wine tasting, pedicures, a great meal - with no purpose of meeting other than to be together.
I'm taking time between Floating World and Rope Camp to be with my bio family, whom I love and adore, and when I return to Boston, I'll be spending a weekend alone and in silence.
And P? We will be being with each other more as well.
And all of this in the space of a few days, because I bothered to stay in bed for a day, rest, contemplate, and stop.
In that moment of crisis - when I lost my shit - I could have stayed in the complaints and blame - I could have wallowed in self-pity - I could have fed my rage and taken it out on people - I could have said "Fuck It- I quit" and left it at that, but I didn't.
I stayed with the feelings - I gave them space to complete, and then, from a space of more clarity, I took action. And the beauty of the irony of the Doing that I've engaged in this week?
I'll be Being a lot more.