I'm consistently surprised that some folks, upon finding out how few people I have intercourse with, are also surprised that I consider myself sex-positive. As if, being sex-positive means one is also engaging in sexual acts with multiple people. Carol Queen writes: "a simple yet radical affirmation that we each grow our own passions on a different medium, that instead of having two or three or even half a dozen sexual orientations, we should be thinking in terms of millions." Yet more and more, at least in the circles in which I circulate, sex positive means multiple partners - orgies, gang bangs, etc.
Was a time when I had multiple partners, fucked and sucked in front of audiences as performance art, engaged in very public sex acts with people I knew well - and not so well - and with people I was sucking and fucking because I was told to. All of it was hot, consensual and extraordinarily meaningful for me. You don't see me doing much of this any more, though. Here's why:
Some time in my mid 20's, I began meditating seriously. Not too long thereafter, I was introduced to a set of practices from China which focuses on the conscious cultivation of sexual (orgasm) energy, and ways to use that energy to heal the body/mind and also to come into deep connection with a partner or partners.
Blew my mind, this shit did! I was able to heal IBS, generalized anxiety disorder, quit smoking, manage chronic insomnia, and find balance in my mind. Oh, and the sex? THAT was getting ridiculously amazing too!
I hold a core belief about responsibility -that I am responsible not only for my actions, but the children of my actions.
I had this partner who was kinky, fun, loved to dance, and one hell of a lover. It was convenient that we were housemates - the sex was pretty much available all the time, unless he or I had someone else over (we didn't engage in group activities at the time). We were tested, and both were found to be completely clean (I remain so). However, because of other activities, we agreed to use barriers for our own protection and that of others. This worked all good and well, until a condom failed.
I figured out I was pregnant within 6 weeks of conception and was faced with a fairly major decision : to become a parent, give a child to adoption, or have an abortion. I chose the latter of the three options and have no remorse or regret.
This was a huge wake-up call for me about what is the singularly most powerful force in the universe - orgasm energy. The same energy that created something from nothing. The same energy which, in my opinion and experience, is the precursor to all creative process, be it auditory, visual, kinesthetic, structural, spiritual, scientific - i hope you catch my drift.
So as the years have passed I've become more particular with regards to those whom have invitations to my Bed. Not because I'm such a special snow flake, or because they are people with whom I'm in love, but rather the very simple fact that for me to be mature with my energy, it requires a level of specificity which isn't 'let's get it on' with all of my friends.
And I don't even require that my partner/s share my perspectives on sex. I hang with some pretty slutty dudes, and that's hot! What's important to me is that I have a level of confidence that I can mindfully whether the consequences of my actions (injury, psychological upset, unintended fluid exchange) AND the children of my actions (transmitting something to P, another pregnancy, not being able to work for a period of time due to bruising, injury or what not), and that makes these acts of sex, SM, service, and masochism very very special for me.
There's a joke among my circle of friends that it isn't a party until a few things happen; one of them is my proclaiming "Fuck You _________" - currently, there are four people who hear those words. That's my short list right now. I'm not fucking most of them, but I would. I wonder how many of them take my words literally?
It's Mother's Day today, and I will say a prayer to the soul which contracted with me to help me gain perspective on my sexual energy - that that soul incarnated in a way and at a time that was appropriate. I will thank that soul for trusting me to make the decision I made, mindfully, and with full awareness of the consequence to hir.
Sometimes the greatest gifts we receive are the moments which are the most difficult to weather, just as the greatest teachers we meet are those who challenge us.
So yes, I'm sex positive. And like a very close friend, I'm also Pro-Life, even though I made a Choice.